Katherine, your press release should be written in the third person. Also, more and more people have become environmentally conscious. Your products are a natural for that. I`ve taken the liberty of  editing your release. I`ve rewritten it in the third person, given it a new headline, played up the "green" angle and eliminated a lot of unnecessary words for greater impact, flow and clarity.

 

Dale King

 

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

 

Contact: 
Katherine Appello
Tel: (212)769 7912
media@caterinabeauty.com
http://www.caterinabeauty.com

 

"Green" Beauty Products Company To Hold Charity Sale

 

New York, NY, January 27, 2008 – Caterina Fashions & Beauty, a "green" beauty products company will be hosting an afternoon of music, snacks and refreshments, and the opportunity to purchase their popular, environmentally friendly, 100% Organic, 95% Vegan Naturals beauty products and beautiful gold jewelry at 10% off.

 

30% of all proceeds will be donated to 10 charities. They include, The ASPCA, Catholic Charities, Columbus Citizens Foundation, Eco Dreams, Institute For Multi-track Diplomacy, Just Food, National Fibromayalgia Association, New York Foundation for Senior Citizens, New York Public Library, and the Sierra Club. 

 

The event is scheduled for Saturday March 8, 2008 from 1-5 pm in Manhattan at TRS Professional Suites 44E 32nd Street.  Those interested in attending should RSVP by February 22nd, and can do so online at www.caterinabeauty.com.

 

Contact:  Katherine Appello
E-mail: media@caterinabeauty.com
Phone: (212)769 7912

                              

 

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Good luck Katherine! 

 

I like it Dale.

Thank you, Janie!

 

Dale King

I personally thought what he did was excellent and have started using his approach.

It was in the post: "Is the customer always right?"

It`s worth having a look at it.

 

 

Thank you, Erin!

 

Dale King

Hi Katherine,

 

For additional pointers, you may want to check the templates we list on this site at http://www.startupnation.com/steps/77/steps-successful-public-relations.htm.

 

I highly suggest that you offer more details in your headline and add a sub-headline. You want to provide all the exciting information here (as many times, the headline is the only thing that is read). Also, add a benefit - what`s in it for the reader? Something like: Enjoy music, delicious snacks and save hundreds on unique vegan beauty products on March 8th... Help the environment and your local charity with...at.......

 

Also, this is an "event announement" so you`ll want to send it to the appropriate calendar editors. This is just a brief example. You`ll really want to look at the benefits and create your own unique headline. It`s a cool event and you have a lot to offer. Just a few notes...

 

Thanks so much for posting this.

Melanie

 

Melanie, obviously Katherine is free to write her own headline. I have no problem with that. However, she asked for a critique so I took the time to help her out. That being said, the headline I wrote for Katherine is actually quite powerful and does two important things. First of all, it will attract those individuals who are environmentally conscious. Don`t discount that group. There are an estimated 30 million of them in the U.S alone, according to one news report I read recently. These individuals are enthusastic about supporting companies and causes that are environmentally conscious. That`s important to them.

 

Second, the headline will attract those individuals who are into charity events...many of whom are also environmentally conscious. The benefits of the headline are in the words "green" and "charity." Individuals who are enviromentally conscious understand the full import of the word "green." In addition, individuals who attend charity events enjoy giving. Thats`s the benefit they get. The joy of giving.

 

In addition, a subhead is not always necessary. Subheads are optional, not mandatory. I use them sometimes. Sometimes I don`t. It`s really up to the discretion of the writer.

 

Again, Katherine is free to do whatever she pleases. My suggestions are just that - suggestions.

 

Dale King

Hi Dale,

 

I totally agree with you and like your suggestions. I`m sorry if my note didn`t project that.

 

I was just offering my two cents for Katherine to help her with her release.  Many of my clients use the "benefits-oriented event press release announcement" approach with a headline and sub-headline, and it works well. 

 

Thanks!

Melanie