Forums: Discussions for entrepreneurs and small business.

http://www.ahernbrucker.com/USN-CPOrings/USNCPOEntrance.htm

 

hello

 

I`ve spent 6 months writing and rewriting the copy for this product... One day it sounds ok and the next, it reads like a horrible b rated dialogue. At some point, I need to get "good" with it and move on to the next thing but I really want this to be perfect.

 

CUrrently, this is part of my main web site but eventually, this is going to be a stand alone site and encompass seeveral other designs that are specific to this particular market audience. THe new site will be professionaly done (hopefully). So, try to overlook my obvious deficiency in web design skills if you can.

 

Specifically, I am interested in...

 

Does the product alone, leave an inpression and does the copy add or take away from that impression? does the copy match the product

 

and, does the copy and product match and speak in the same language as our audience? is it said intelligently or, does it just ramble on like the majority of my "posts"?

 

 it should be straight to the point and in a conversational tone. I don`t want  it to sound like a sham wow commercial.

 

Is it too overwhelming or does it lack in subatance. What can be said that isn`t said by either the copy or product?

 

what impression does the copy make about us?

 

Is it too confrontational? does it sound like a "sales pitch" (we don`t want that)

 

I`m not looking for anything too emotional, i`m not interested in selling to the impulse buyer, and I really don`t want to be pointing out or stating the "obvious" (if/when possible). We want our customers making their buy decision based on reason and logic and within the confines of their budget and time schedule.

 

What is "not" being said that should be?? what is being said that shouldn`t be said and is their a way to say it better or more efficiently?

 

Are the sentances structured properly and are their horrible gramaticala attrocities that are so glaring abvious i am missing them?

 

It should asnwer all of the basic  questions that one might have except price and it should encourage action insofar as the customer responds with a question or comment.

 

Typically, the product should do the selling and the copy should speak for it... more of a  a confirmation of what the customer sees. confirming the obvious but not stating it or pointing it out. (That`s what I`m shooting for anyway)

 

I am happy to answer any questions and appreciate any advice or constructive criticism.

 

Thank you for your time.

 

 One more thing...

 

None of the copy or thoughts I`m trying to make should be duplicated. right? every page should have a fresh thought or point and not a rehash of a "same point" from another page... right. in other words, say it once, say it well and move on.

 

and, is this copy positioned properly? (correct copy for the pages?

 

and, is their a better order my links should be in? Q&A vs COntact... what should be the correct lineup of links?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The design could use a lot of work as well from a functionality and ease of use standpoint. The product photography looks great.

Hey Bob,

How are things in Idaho these days? It`s been a long time since I was there. I absolutely loved it.

 

As for your site, I have to agree a bit with Art. You have so much going on with transitions and different fonts and stuff it`s tough to figure out what you try to accomplish. Since you`re not an experienced web guy, you get a pass on that. I have my own company too which is unrelated to web design, which is why I`m here. But in the real-world I am a webmaster.

 

Since you`re looking for help I will offer up a couple things to do:

1.) Get rid of all the page tranisitions and gimicky stuff. It won`t work across all browsers anyway and just sucks up page load time.

2.) Start with a clean page. Art was right, your product images are good so start there.

3.) Create a headline for the product. (What`s the one thing people need to know if nothing else?)

4.) Write a paragraph or two describing the product from value/benefit perspective. Is it plastic, aluminum or real gold??? How about the rocks? Cut them yourself? Get`em shipped in from Timbucktu??

 

Once you do that, then throw it up here for us all to dump on...   ;-)

 

Then we`ll know where you`re going with it. As for your website, if you`re going to be selling this fine jewerly on the site you need to get your act together there. From what I can see in the photos you`re doing great work. My brother and Dad are ex-navy and I have no doubt they would kill for one of your rings.

 

Identify what your brand will be. Create your page templates around that brand. Don`t try to reinvent the wheel (product page) with each new product. I should feel like I`m flipping through a catalog not headed out on virtual journey. But most of all I need to feel like you know what`s going on even if I don`t. Then I might be confident enough to let go of a few hundred bucks without even knowing you. If you want some help in setting up a template and structure for your site I`d be happy to help get you going until you got it happening or found someone to hire. Here`s one of my other sites: http://www.arborsci.com . Keep it simple...keep it elegant.

 

Good luck,

Thanks art

 

Mainly, the Pricing and contact page, the product info page and Q&A page.

 

THe "homepage" is for our main site which deals more in our custom end.. I honestly don`t like anything about that except that we are small time and while we have a honest to god shop, we are kind of home spun. so, you did pick that  message up correctly. it`s honest, accurately describes us and not too pretentious (i hope) The standalone site will not be linked to the home page to my main site.

 

You kind of have to get in the mind of  our actual customers to see the logic behind it. but it`s how we want to market our custom work. Mom & Pop kind of thing.

 

the reason is, we can only handle so many custom orders in a year, we already have a big ol waiting list for work to be done and the customers who are looking for a mom & pop operation to make their work are the customers we like... we can make them very happy. Customers who are looking for a "tiffany & CO" experience go there... but... the ones who want that same quality from just real people, they seem to find us. So, I`m thinking by promoting the mom & pop  shop  attitude as more of a  "customer selection" device... some people are specifically interested in the MOM & Pop shop so, we try to fill that gap. you know, inspire the customers who are best tuned to us kind of thing.

 

I hear a lot about the trust factor not being implied but this has never been a  problem in practice. and, most of our work or visitors come from some form of referral.  We also don`t have a return policy or any mention of return...but only because no one has ever asked for a return... (in 30 years).

 

but your right about getting to the point and they don`t need to know who does the e-mail and web site. excellent point. I`m going to take an ax to all of it s soon as i get this one product wrapped up.

 

 

Hi Dave

 

I`m in Oregon now but I`m sure Idaho is still as perfect as it`s always been...

 

Yep it could be so much better than what it is... The whole things needs to be redone.  but it seems like such a momuntental task  and I am really the least best person to be doing it...  

 

But... in my defense.. it does work pretty well for what it is supposed to do which is to bring us customers.. but definately, I would be thriled beyond thrill if I could make the site what I think it should be! I know what I want but making that requires more skill than I have. Eventually, (sooner than later) we are going to stop doing custom work and that site will just be a gallery... nothing for sale, just pics and info and links to our limited edition lines. I really like the idea of simple and elegant for that.

 

The cpo pages right now is more like a working sketch pad... all of the pieces are in place... the product is being advertised, the pages are gaining in number of hit`s etc every month, we are getting more inquiries every month, for this ring and other versions we have in the works, and we have been making sales. And, the customere report that they are happy. So, now that I know it`s actually doing what I want it to do, it needs to be fine tuned and polished.

 

the custom stuff, customers are in line with money in hand but we have a "max" of custom work we can produce per year. Maybe 25 pieces per year. that would be considered "brisk".. as some pieces take weeks or months to produce... .Customers write to us a lot of times, years in advance of actually getting started. but, if something interesting comes along, we can accomodate a rush order.

 

Art`s suggestion regarding the home spun feel vs the professional sleek look is a good one for the navy pages (limited edition vs custom) but for the custom work, it`s all pretty personal... we need to be intouch with the customers and they need to feel like equals in the process with the pecking order defined...  I don`t think that same feeling should or needs to be included in the navy pages...just straight to the point, here it is, this is what needs to be done to get it kind of thing...

 

I took a special interest in your comment about the amount you thought you`d be willing to part with based on what you know or have seen of this site. my first reaction was that i was glad you weren`t a customer because #1 we would be broke and #2 I don`t think we have anything in that price range lol But, your fine taste prevailed with your comment about the ring:)

 

But, now i am thinking this is a pretty important point that needs some understanding on my part...

 

Are you saying that just based on the presentation, you`d trust us with a couple hundred bucks without further info from us or, that the jewelry we have seems like it would be woth a couple hundred bucks? I hadn`t considered asking if the site gave any impression of the prices?

 

I`d hate for your brother and dad to kill for this ring but it sounds great and would make a great ad! but, I don`t think a $200 ring would envolke that type of reaction. and, it`s not an uncommon reaction. Some letters we get are really complimentary! 

 

This is the kind of input i was hoping for. I will be passing the techno suggestions to the guy who ends up making it the web site. I would like some help with sorting out page structure prior to getting a web guy so i have a variety of options to study and pick the one that makes the most sense. your spider climbing site looks really well organized.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey Bob,

 

By no means do I know anything about jewerly. My watch is made of rubber and is good to 200ft. that`s all I care about. So don`t take anything to heart about the few hundred bucks thing. Just trying to get a point across. Oregon is great too. The coast down there outside Portland is awesome. I have some great photos from my last trip.

 

Sounds like you`re thinking along the right lines, but even still... no matter what the impression is you want your customer to get from the site, proper organization of the information will still be key. Let me just refer you to Art`s orgininal comments. You were asking for a critique of copy for positioning and what not, and he was having trouble identifying which words (copy) your questions related to. You can still have a custom artist, down home feel and at the same time be clear about your message. Your business sounds very much like my Spider Climbing, Inc. company. We`re small, everything is custom made by hand...well almost everything and we can only complete relatively few orders a year.

 

What are you using to create your web pages? Frontpage? Dreamweaver? Let me know and I`ll send you an html template that you or your web guy can work with in experimenting. But with regards to writing good copy, you might try some exercises in writing in good form. No design issues, just paste the image and get the details down in a stardard form. Maybe something like this:

 

     <<IMAGE>>

Headline: Redesigned for the 21st century ~ Our new USN Chief and Master Chief Petty Officer Rings.

Thanks Dave

 

You wouldn`t need a watch at all if you lived in Oregon:) I honestly don`t even have one in plastic or otherwise. We just tell time by the sun and when it`s dark, it`s time to be in bed sleeping.

 

yes, I am using front page. I know enough to make a page and upload it but i`d have to do some studying to figure out how i made the page transitions...? I don`t remember doing it and never really even noticed on my end. but I would be happy to have a decent template. definately the one with the best praqctices in the cells.  something fool proof is perfect.!

 

I do see the importance of organizing the thoughts in a consice way... I wish I actually  thought that way myself but i am probably as scattered as it appears:) your example was a perfect example. I was thinking, wow that really was sounding good and than read it was what i had said in a paragraph! I kind of recognized it but it really made a big difference! like you said, an impact. it almost made me want to buy one myself! haha

 

actually, we did one with wings a few years ago but it`s a completely different design... this was a custom order. http://www.ahernbrucker.com/upload/startofinishmikebombring.htm.  But we are definately going to be introducing an airforce version of the cpo ring.

 

Actually, considering what it would cost at retail, it`s not very expensive at all and we have a nice price range starting at about a thousand dollars to a "bit" more. It`s not really the kind of jewelry that if if you have to ask you can`t afford, "until" a retailer is selling it....that`s the power of marketing and why they get paid the big bucks...We are just the workers... Our customers "may not" have a budget they need to adhere to, but they still ask:)

 

craig, the critique applies to all of the cpo pages that are linked to that page. Art was kind enough to set me straight on the pricing and info page and Dave`s paragraph sounds just great to me... (can i  use that dave?)

 

Thanks again

 

 

 

 

You guys are amazing! If i had found this forum 5 years ago, I`d be retired by now!


http://www.ahernbrucker.com/upload/startofinishmikebombring.htm

Full of puffery - meaningless unspecific phrases. 

Will it sell some stuff?  yeah, maybe it will.  

Will it sell the most stuff possible?  No.