July 12, 2008 3:54 AM EDT
A few comments for you to consider:
1. First a question: who is the letter going to? Who`s on the list?
2. In general, I think the letter`s too long for a sales letter, unless I don`t completely understand the letter`s function (which I really don`t)..
3. You`re opening question is two long and is actually two questions. Limit it to one to have more impact (less is more).
4. Consider this possibly: Instead of driving them to call you (I don`t think anyone expects a consultation is a $200 value, do they???), what if you were to drive them to your website to download a free whitepaper. When you get the whitepaper, you`ve got their contact info and can follow up. Or, you can make an offer along with the whitepaper. (just make sure the whitepaper is valuable and not just a pitch).
Skip, being a copywriter myself, I disagree with you on all the points you made. First of all, if you read the letter carefully, it`s obvious Michael is targeting small businesses. I also don`t think his sales letter is too long. In fact, it`s one of the shorter letters I`ve read. I also disagree with you about the opening paragraph having too many questions. Questions, if used correctly can be very effective. Questions help get the reader emotionally involved in the copy. The key is asking intelligent questions that will make the reader think, as well as demonstrate your knowledge and expertise.
Finally, I disagree with you about the FREE consultation. That particular technique has been used successfully for decades, and is extremely effective. In fact, I`ve used it myself on many occassions with excellent results. The key is having the credentials to make it sound credible.
Michael, considering it`s your first sales letter, overall it`s not bad. I do have a few suggestions, however:
1. Make it obvious sooner that you`re targeting small businesses. You can do that in the headline or the opening paragraph.
2. Since you have so many questions in the opening paragraph, change things up a bit and make your headline a statement instead of a question. For example, Attention: Small Business Owners! Discover The Secrets Of Every IT Strategy And Save Over $200,000 Per Year!
3. Add some testimonials. After all, without proof of performance, you have zero credibility.
4. Add a guarantee. Guarantees are proven to improve conversion ratios. Guarantees also make consumers feel better about their purchase.
DaleKing7/12/2008 10:34 AM
---If you`re tired of all the money-making
hype, lies and scams...read this!
Click here for more details!