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Critique my Elevator Pitch please?

    • 39 posts
    April 16, 2008 1:56 PM EDT
    So here`s a stab at my first elevator pitch...i`d love to hear what you SuNers think.

    EdgEvents is a corporate event planning company that specializes in creating innovative events for businesses that are looking to make an impact

    We custom design each of our events to our client’s specifications, while also providing you with creative marketing ideas and a fresh perspective on emerging trends that can make your event uniquely memorable. 

    We can save you the time, money and stress of trying to manage and organize all of the logistics that go into planning an event, which allows you to focus on more important things, like developing your business.

    Whether you’re designing an event to raise money, attract new clients and investors, draw traffic to a tradeshow booth or celebrate the launch a new product…

    The bottom line is, if you’re putting on an event, we’ll pull it off for you.  


    That`s it....thoughts? Would you be interested in hearing more?

    ---
    Kim Simonds, Chief Eventor
    EdgEvents You put it on. We pull it off.
    www.edgevents.net
    kim@edgevents.net

    • 39 posts
    April 17, 2008 11:59 AM EDT
    Well i was under the impression that an elevator pitch didn`t necessarily have to be for investors. I don`t really need investors. What i need is something short and sweet that tells anyone i meet on the street, at a networking event, at a tradeshow,  what we do, why we`re unique, who we`re looking to market to, how we can help them, and a memorable tagline. At least that`s what i`ve read should be in an elevator pitch. the idea is that it sparks enough interest that they will ask for more info...and then i can go into more detail explaining what seperates us from the rest. Everyone has told me to keep it under a minute, and in saying it aloud i clocked it as 45 seconds. I`m not going to be able to list all the things that make my company different from every other event planning company in under a minute, that`s not what i`m trying to do.  I`m trying to develop a pitch that will get people at least somewhat curious to learn more about the services we offer.

    I want people to know that i do corporate event planning which involves, fundraisers, tradeshows, product launches, awards dinners, promotional marketing tactics etc, as opposed to social events like weddings, birthdays and bar mitzvahs...

    I want people to know that my company saves them a lot of time, they don`t have to worry about the details of planning their events, and its often more cost effective to outsource to someone like me, than to have an in house planner. SO companies can concentrate on running their businesses secure in the knowledge that their event is in good hands.

    We are looking to target young companies, start ups and businesses with young executives that have modern views. People who aren`t afraid to take some risks with they events and do things that have never been done before. We are out of the box thinkers, creative folks who strive to stay onto of the latests trends and give companies the hottest new looks for their events and will blow people away. Those are the events that people will remember and associate with our client`s names.

    I dont know if that background helps, but i`m trying to cut all that down into less than a minute of speaking.





    ---
    Kim Simonds, Chief Eventor
    EdgEvents You put it on. We pull it off.
    www.edgevents.net
    kim@edgevents.net

    • 39 posts
    April 17, 2008 12:25 PM EDT
    here`s a little revamp...hopefully incorporating some suggestions:

    EdgEvents is a corporate event planning company that specializes in creating innovative events for businesses using modern marketing ideas and a fresh perspective on emerging trends that will put your company on the cutting edge of your industry.

    We save companies the time, money and stress of managing and organizing an event-- allowing you to focus on what you do best-- developing your business.

    Whether you’re designing an event to raise money, attract new clients and investors, draw traffic to a tradeshow booth or celebrate the launch a new product…

    The bottom line is, if you’re putting on an event, we’ll pull it off for you.

    ---
    Kim Simonds, Chief Eventor
    EdgEvents You put it on. We pull it off.
    www.edgevents.net
    kim@edgevents.net

    • 926 posts
    April 16, 2008 2:26 PM EDT

    Kim,

    I`ve always interpered the primary purpose of this forum to be feedback on the elevator pitch aimed at investors.

    That being said, when I read your statements - they sound pretty much like what every other event planning business says.

    ---
    Business Growth Masters, LLC -
    Capital Catalysts for Entrepreneurs
    Home of the Scalable Business Plan and QuikStart Capital Programs
    http://www.bizgrowthmasters.com
    info@bizgrowthmasters.com


    • 926 posts
    April 17, 2008 9:02 AM EDT

    Steve,

    I wouldn`t use the same short message on investors and prospects alike. I coach my clients to develop & practice

    A group  "intro"  (where they go around the table and give everybody a chance to introduce themselves)

    Response to individual who asks "what do you do"?

    The "elevator pitch" for investors (if needed)

     

    ---
    Business Growth Masters, LLC -
    Capital Catalysts for Entrepreneurs
    Home of the Scalable Business Plan and QuikStart Capital Programs
    http://www.bizgrowthmasters.com
    info@bizgrowthmasters.com


    • 434 posts
    April 17, 2008 8:10 AM EDT

    Unless you are going to the 300th floor I would shorten it in half.



    First, remove all of the "it`s about me" implications from the text, and fix all the passive voice errors.  "Can" should be "Will", etc.  Here`s what I would do:

    From: EdgEvents is a corporate event planning company that specializes in creating innovative events for businesses that are looking to make an impact

    We custom design each of our events to our client’s specifications, while also providing you with creative marketing ideas and a fresh perspective on emerging trends that can make your event uniquely memorable.

    To: EdgEvents will create an innovative event for your company that will make a memorable impact.

    ----------------------
    From: We can save you the time, money and stress of trying to manage and organize all of the logistics that go into planning an event, which allows you to focus on more important things, like developing your business.

    To: We organize the logistics that go into planning an event, which allows you to focus on your business.

    ----------------------
    From: Whether you’re designing an event to raise money, attract new clients and investors, draw traffic to a tradeshow booth or celebrate the launch a new product.

    To:

    ----------------------
    From: The bottom line is, if you’re putting on an event, we’ll pull it off for you.

    To:



    Those last two items are clearly not needed in an elevator pitch.  If the first two lines don`t interest the prospective client in more discussion, then leave your card and bid a polite good-bye.  BTW, I am with you that I have always been under the impression that an Elevator Pitch has two functions - one, to secure funding and two, to secure new clients.  

    PS I also saw an ad for an escort service in Las Vegas that used that last line...

    Steve Mann

    ---
    Steve Mann
    Internet Videographer
    MannMade Digital Video
    My Email


    • 434 posts
    April 17, 2008 1:02 PM EDT
    here`s a little revamp...hopefully incorporating some suggestions:

    EdgEvents is a corporate event planning company that specializes in creating innovative events for businesses using modern marketing ideas and a fresh perspective on emerging trends that will put your company on the cutting edge of your industry.

    We save companies the time, money and stress of managing and organizing an event-- allowing you to focus on what you do best-- developing your business.

    Whether you’re designing an event to raise money, attract new clients and investors, draw traffic to a tradeshow booth or celebrate the launch a new product…

    The bottom line is, if you’re putting on an event, we’ll pull it off for you.


    Better, but still into the passive voice and quite wordy.
    Passive voice: "We are..."  Active voice: "We do...".
    Passive: "Whether you`re designing an event..." Active:"When you need to raise money...".

    Do you see the difference?  The passive voice comes across as pleading, asking for their business.  You want to be more forthright and don`t ask for their business, tell them that they need your services.

    If you can`t say it in one breath, it`s not an elevator pitch, it`s a sales pitch.

    The thing you want is for the prospective client to ask the next question which turns it into a sales environment.  If you must ask a question, make sure it`s a rhetorical one.  Don`t say: "Can we help you with your next project?"  (passive) Rather say: "We will organize your next meeting for you - when is it?" (active).

    Steve Mann
    Videography4/17/2008 6:04 PM

    ---
    Steve Mann
    Internet Videographer
    MannMade Digital Video
    My Email