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You guys know a lot about a lot of stuff...so I thought I would throw my delimna out there and see if anyone can give me advice or just general feelings on a subject that I am just freaking out about and can`t exactly put my finger on why.  Sorry if this gets long...

Here`s the deal:

I have been working with/for an elderly lady since January of 06 as sort of a personal assistant.  Her son (whom she lives with) hired me to be her driver - taking to grocery store, shopping, card games and to drop-off and pick-up his laundry/prescriptions, to fill out forms for her in doctor`s offices and read mail to her, etc. (she has macular degeneration).  Over time, I have done other things that were not part of the original deal but haven`t said anything, I guess because they pay me pretty well and it is very flexible.  Mostly it has been other things that he needed and instead of asking me, he gives his 88 year old mother instructions that she doesn`t understand and then gives them to me and I am left to "figure out" what it is that he wants.  In my opinion, he puts a lot of responsibility on her that she is not capable of handling...not because there is anything wrong with her, just that it isn`t 1929 anymore!

So, in the last 8-9 months or so, her son has found a girlfriend in Russia who he will be bringing back this Sunday.  I have tried to stay completely unaware of what is actually going on there...just don`t want any part of it, but now it seems as though they are going to want me to "help" her too.  I am not happy about this at all.  The son has not talked to me about it or asked me to do anything.  The old lady asked me at one time if I might be willing to and I told her I would need to discuss with her son.  Today I was talking about volunteering at school and she just kept saying that I couldn`t get another job because she needed me too much and so did "the girl" (for lack of a better term at the moment).  I got a little mad and told her that I didn`t think so.  I said I thought her son should talk to me about if he wants my help.

OK - honestly, I grew tired of the job a long time ago and come up with all sorts of reasons that I can`t come over this day or that.  I do not care for the "reasons" he gives for going to Russia to find a wife - ladies, you wouldn`t either!  I don`t appreciate anyone assuming that I will do anything without asking me first. I`m not a caretaker.

What would you do?  I already have an excuse for not being there Monday - school starts.  Maybe it sounds ridiculous to y`all, but I am having such a hard time trying to decide what I should do - it`s making me crazy - and really, really mad!  Please help!

Thanks for letting me vent.

Debbie

Debbie,

It certainly sounds like the decision is already mde. You are not happy, it is not a good working environment. Are you staying because you are afraid that the elderly women will not get the proper care? I would suggest that you find different employment, where you can feel good at the end of the day and if you have guilt over leaving this women, check in with her for lunch once a week. i am sure she would appreciate the companionship.I hope it works out for you, sometimes change is hard but can be for the better.

Erin

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I agree that you`ve already made your decision.  Sometimes it`s hard to hear yourself saying it though.  I hear you saying you want out.

Erin brings up a good point.  Ask yourself why you are staying at this job.  What is keeping you back?  It`s alright to have fears and frustrations but it`s even better when you overcome them!

My advise is when you talk with the woman and/or her son, don`t focus so much on the negativity of the job.  Don`t be a complainer.  Focus on what you want and need in a job.  If they cannot provide that with changes to how they work with you, then you need to move on.

You have to be true to yourself with work that fulfills you.

Seems to me you`ve got if figured out but that your artificial guilt is conflicting with what you know you ought to, and want to do. The artificial guilt arises from the 88-yo woman saying that you can`t or shouldn`t leave because she "needs" you.

The proper definition of altruism is that someone sacrifices what`s valuable to themselves for what`s valuable to someone else. In most (probably all) cases, that other person`s value is not only meaningless to the altruist, but also causes real problems for that altruist.

And yet, we live in a society where we`re told that unless we give to those who need, we`re evil people. No we`re not.

Quit. What`s it to you, other than the money was good? Find something else where the money`s decent, but where you aren`t being emotionally blackmailed.

Debbie, in my opinion, you have been totally disrespected by all parties concerned. They are clearly taking advantage of your loyalty and good nature. No one consulted with you about anything. They just assumed that you would go along with the program - whatever that program is. No one has the right to disrespect you in that way. If they want you to be a caretaker for two people, they should pay you for taking care of two people.

Also, when something is upsetting you as much as this situation is, it`s time to move on for your own dignity, sanity and peace of mind - unless of course, they make you a financial offer you can`t refuse - then all bets are off!

By the way, if they do offer you more money and you decide to stay, get everything in writing - everrything. That way, if they try to add-on more duties later on, you can simply have them refer to your contract and say, "that`s not in my job description."

Dale King

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Debbie -

One of my greatest personal and business advisors has always been my "gut instinct."  You need to trust yours - and go with the decision that you seem to have already made.  Best of luck to you.

- J.




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Jeff Fisher | Jeff Fisher LogoMotives | Tweet! Tweet!

Since you have not given notice, you  should be there when expected.  That being said, you should also be requesting an immediate meeting regarding continued employment, and bring in writing the responsibilities agreed to and for which you are being paid.  At this meeting you should bring up the perception you have of having additional responsibilities thrust upon you through the pawn (88 y.o. mother`s say so). 

Tell him what`s acceptable and what isn`t and be prepared to give immediate notice. 

Jillybeans does make a good point. Don`t just quit. Give a 2-week notice. It`s nicer that way, and who knows, you may need a recommendation down the road.

Thank you  all so much for the response to my post.  I have had quite a weekend wrestling with my feelings on this subject.  I have decided to give my 2 weeks notice and my terms for this remaining time will be to handle anything the mother has already scheduled.  No new or additional tasks will be accepted.  I already requested today off because my kids started school and I will be heading back there to help with some volunteer work in a little while. 

I feel a bit sad about leaving - I will miss their dog (and the old lady...lol!) a whole bunch.  What drew me to these folks in the beginning was the fact that she is about the same age as my grandmother who lived in SC and I couldn`t be with in her last days.  They also have the same last name as my maiden name.  I thought it was a "meant-to-be" scenario.  Anyway....

I have a line on a new job already and I am still working on getting my husband`s artwork and my collectible junk photographed, written up and added to our website - which is offline at the moment while I do the maintenance.

Thanks again and have a great day!

Debbie

Hey Debbie...

Just because you quit the job doesn`t mean that you never have to see these people again.  This was the kind of job where you get to know someone personally.  If you like the woman and her dog, then make a point of keeping in touch.  Leave the job on good terms and have coffee with her sometime - if you feel like it.  :)