Forums: Discussions for entrepreneurs and small business.

Dear Cartess,

I just realized that I had misspelled your name in my post reply above  I apologize for the mistake, and hope you would forgive me for it.

Your helps are sincerely appreciated.

Have a nice long weekend,

Pat 

Rule number 1 is writing for a 6th grade level, so I would drop the word "proprioceptive".

I`d also work on your copywriting, like others have said. Don`t ask me about back pain while sitting, say

EXTENDED PERIOD OF SITTING CAN CAUSE LOW BACK PAIN AND INJURY
You can prevent lower back pain with the BACK VITALIZER.

Or something like that. Keep it simple.

Check out this article for more copywriting tips. Cartess had some good ones too.

BTW - I will send your link on to a friend who is having some back issues. It looks like a good product.

Har har had to come back and actually put in the word I`d drop! Didn`t show up the first time for some reason ...

Out of everything mentioned in this entire session, the above statement made by Nikole is probably one of the most important things mentioned. Keep it simple enough so that a six grader could understand it.

In your world, medical jargon is very familiar amongst you and your colleagues. After reading Nikole`s comment above I went back and read some of your product pages and came across this:

The Back Vitalizer also helps you …

• Increase blood circulation to your back muscles
• Relieve spine`s intradiscal pressure
• Improve lubrication to your spinal discs
• Prevent end-of-working-day or end-of-trip fatigue
• Support and maintain natural curvature of your spine
• Prevent sloutching
• Accelerate knee and ankle rehab due to sports injury
• Train your balance control
• Prevent seniors from falling
• Promote blood circulation in legs and feed on airplanes
• Reduce swelling in legs and feet during long haul flights
• Improve your spine muscle flexibility
• Restore natural curvature of back
• Correct postural imbalance
• Prevent stiff backs

A lot of the jargon above is very complex to the average reader and theres a lot more of this throughout the site. Keep it simple...many of the readers/visitors could easily get intimidated by the words you use. It may make some feel ignorant and therefore, cost you sales.

One method to get the right `words` together is to record yourself speaking with a 5th or 6th grader and explain to them what it is you do. Record the entire session because it`s safe to assume that once you get to talking, they`ll have a ton of questions for you --- and let them ask you those questions and if it takes you an hour to answer their questions and they understand it at the end...then you have a winner --- go back over that recording and break it down -- you`ll find your "ahhh-haaa" moments when you play it back. Because if you were able to get those 5th and 6th graders to understand what you do/sell...then you`ll simply translate that onto your site in terms of the `wording` and you`ll probably have a winner

I love it when a great brainstorming session comes together...one idea from one person can spawn many other ideas...

Keep us posted on your progress.

Let`s get this brainstorming session rolling...what else can we contribute to Pat 

Cartess

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Website Startup Coach: Step-by-Step Coaching to Help You Build a Profitable Business Online!

Along with the 6th grade level writing (I thought it was 8th grade?), Nikole also pointed out the Declarative sentences using "active voice."

Don`t "ask" people if they`d like to read your site, wonder about your product, and guess what you`re doing. Tell them!

:-)

I think the list Cartess wrote should be published for all of SuN to see.  It is great!  And I fully agree regarding the jargon -- I am not in the medical field.  Tell me how it would make my road trip easier (oops! I`m already back from the trip -- darn!), my computer time easier, etc.

jillybeans

Dear All,

I continue to be amazed to see the incredible spirit and power of the Startupnation community. I did not realize, till today, that the brilliant brainstorming continued on, after I posted my thank you message on May 26th. Three thousand thanks to you ALL for your continued support! 

I have been doing my homework based on the feedback from prior May 26 - first on the point of giving the "eyes a point to rest" on my pages (according to Craig`s feedback). I am happy to report that revisions have been made to provide resting points for eyes on the home and product pages, and in the process some points of Cartess` 8 Step advices were also attemped. I will appreciate your review of the pages and any feedback or thoughts you may have and would share with me.

I want to thank nhgnikole for her kind advice re. writing to 6th grader. 

My immedidate next step is to work on the "8 Steps" and the "writing to 6th graders". The catagory specific response will take some time to accomplish. I will report back with the results.

In the mean time, I would appreciate any of your thoughts and feedback on my revised pages at www.backvitalizer.com and http://www.backvitalizer.com/products.php?product=bv for "giving eyes resting points".

I am grateful to you all for your kind support, and look forward to the continuation of the GREAT brainstorimg.

Best regards,

Pat

   

Well, you`re definitely going to have to have SOMEthing about what the product looks like and how it works. Now it`s a bit too minimal. :-) In my own opinion, testimonials for these sorts of things don`t usually do much in the way of sales. They help, but at the moment, there seems to be more a focus on those, rather than basically explaining the product.

Thank you, Craig, for your prompt response.

I will work on that something about how it looks and works. Will report back.

Best regards,

Pat

Hi Craig,

I just added the image of Back Vitalizer and the Q&A on "How and why does Back Vitalizer work?" to the product page.

Are they adequate in addressing your point?

I am continuing on the work on the other points from your discussion.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,

Pat

 

I think the copywriting is pretty good now. It certainly made me pay attention as I am of the age where back injury is common. The only reason it falls short excellence is the absence - so far as I can tell - of a communication strategy. But the page made me want to buy the product or learn more - so I think it works. Obviously the previous posts contained fantastic advice because the site is commercially appealing.