It`s funny that you say you are wordy, and I agree there are way too many words below the fold, but above the fold it`s not even a complete sentence.
I think you really should look at your copywriting and marketing and try this again. You`re falling into some of the traps outlined in this copywriting article.
I think that you are completely not even getting across why I should buy your products. What are you offering me? Why should I even make it past the first few lines? What`s in it for me? Drop the "Welcome to" part. Try something more like "Studio Cherie: Easy, Portable Style for New Moms". Okay, not that totally, but you get the picture.
You also have a lot of wasted white space at the top. It`s driving me nuts, sorry. The whole page needs to move up.
All of the words are the same size. Nothing gives your eye a sense of movement or direction. If you`re not leading the reader, you`re losing the reader. And I`m someone who might even be interested in your products, being a mom myself ... I`d imagine you`ll hold the attention of a non-mom even less. The product descriptions are pretty boring as well ... take an example from the J Piederman catalog (if you ever watched Seinfeld) and write me a story about how we`re going to go on great adventures, my baby and I, while never missing a beat with our stylish diaper bag that make me look good but is also functional and roomy enough for all of my daughter`s million things that have to come along.
If you are going to use a template, use a template ... don`t freehand it yourself. At least a template would be built by a designer who knows how to follow standard rules. When your site breaks too many standards of the trade, you tend to lose people in the design.
nhgnikole12/7/2007 3:51 PM