:-) You`re welcome. It`s mostly fun for me, but also is helping me refine my writing in ways I can`t even begin to explain.
Now, as to the pitch changes. I like them a whole lot more, but (of course) I still have my objections. :-) And as always, remember I`m that millionaire guy in the lumber industry, waiting in line with you for a table in a restaurant![…]
OK, here it would be the first thing that I should have mentioned. I am not so sure I’d take a millionaire on the ride if he’s doing it to impress his kid. To be frank, I’d much rather attract an experienced angel investor that routinely invests into 5 companies each year, expecting 4 or them to lose his money. Even better, an angel investor with experience in high-tech or entertainment industries. This is why I added the figures, thinking that this is the relevant information for such an investor to be able to quickly decide whether it is worth his time or not. But you are right, there should be more passion showing in the pitch.
To being with, you say, "We have great experience in mobile and PC games development as an outsourcing party. etc..." Then give a couple of examples. Then you say, "Further proof of our competence is our excellent ratings on several outsourcing websites."
What proof? You`ve only given anecdotal evidence that someone likes you, a bunch of people are using you, and in their experience, they seem to like the results[…].
Yes, I’ve got to find a more fortunate way to establish that we are not just wannabees.
Logically, if that many people like you, then why are you asking me for money? If you have this proof, how come you need me? In other words, if you`re so great, why are you asking for help?[…]
That’s simple to explain, the service providing business doesn’t make one rich too fast when started from zero on the outsourcing path (nor in general, the key to richness is an abundance of customers buying expensive products, products that preferably do not require anything to produce or that are created once and xerox-sold a gazillion times.)
[…]Tap into your OWN passion! Why are YOU excited about what you do? Speak with passion, and it`ll translate into everything you say. Even if you aren`t asking for money directly...your passion will be intriguing and memorable. All you want is a meeting! You don`t want actual money while we`re standing in line. Your intent is for me to say, "Hey..y`know what? Here`s MY card! Call my office next week and set up a meeting. Tell them who you are, and give me your card. I`ll have my people notified to expect your call." See?
That’s good advice but I just don’t want to sound too goofy. I will try to put some passion into it because I could at least speak about my goals. I hope you’ll warn me if my English fails me.
I`ll post the pitch when I finish rewriting it.