Here`s another approach, as I can`t tell you how you evaluate your
risks in your conundrum. But reading your post, I got the impression
that part of what`s wearing you down is your comparison with "all those
other folks" our age who are sittin` pretty. They`ve worked all their
lives, accumulated property, a portfolio, a retirement fund, IRAs,
securities, and they`re just kickin` back waiting to retire.
Is that really true?
Not so long ago I was working a regular job, making enough to have a
decent life. I was bored mindless, but didn`t know it. Then I fell into
an opportunity to write a book and make a lot of money from it. "Ah
Hah!," I said to myself. "I`ll be a professional writer!"
Not too long after, my life went into the tanks. I have no credit, no
money, I`m barely afloat, and pretty tired to boot. For awhile, I also
looked at all my peers, contemplating how "lucky" they were not to have
a driving passion---a daemon, so to speak.
They had a house, bank account, money, time, barbeques, a working car.
I thought maybe how foolish was I, that I had nothing approaching
Then I got to looking at the time so many of those folks spend
traveling for business. I looked at how quickly jobs disappear through
outsourcing and downsizing. I watched whole retirement funds vanish at
the stroke of a pen, when a corporation got into financial trouble.
I met lots of people online, in chat rooms, IRC channels, forums, and
the like. The never-ending refrain seemed to be how lucky *I* am! I`m
doing what I want, I have a passion, nobody tells me what to do, I make
my own decisions!
:-D The bottom line is that the grass always looks greener on the other
side of the fence. Don`t let yourself get too dragged down in a false
competition. One of my favorite bumper-stickers is, "He who dies with
the most toys, wins!"
Is that true? What about the old Socrates line that an unexamined life
isn`t worth living? Does passion, creative energy, and personal
satisfaction count? If it does, and you`re feeling despair, can`t come
up with any new ideas, and aren`t at all satisfied with what you`re
doing, does that mean you lose? Have you failed?
Read the biographies of just about any successful person and you`ll see
the recurring thread. It`s the old quest myth, where there comes that
slough of despond----utter despair. Nothing is working, nothing`s going
right, you`re being used and abused, and all you want is to lie down in
a hole and sleep.
The trick is to persist. How you do that is up to your, but I can say
this: We choose from only two fundamental perspectives of life. Either
life is random, or it`s organized. It`s a binary choice---either/or.
You can`t have it both ways, and you either intentionally choose to
believe one or the other, or you live by accident.
If life is random, then nothing is true. Gravity is luck, the moon and
sun accidentally show up each day, and the ocean could just as well
turn into cement. But if life is organized, and it doesn`t matter how
or by what, then there`s a plot. :-)
And although we may not ever know the plot or who`s the author, we can hope that whatever it is knows what`s going on.
Where there`s hope, there`s life.