Forums: Discussions for entrepreneurs and small business.

Personally, I think the revised draft is still way too many words. Is there ANYone who doesn`t understand "doing laundry" when they get past the age of 10? I don`t think so.

Again, and as GrillCharms said, the picture and logo *say it all!* The key here is that you pick up and deliver, for a price. That`s all you need. You can hyperlink the words "pick up" and "deliver" and take someone to your Services page. THAT`s where you can use the above bullets or points or lines.

Mostly, I think we`re all talking about that home page. Keep it as clean as possible, focus on the picture. That`s the "problem." Then have only enough caption text to say, "This is the solution!"

There`s an old maxim that applies to writing stories and novels. Don`t patronize your readers. Give them some credit for having a brain and a mind! Let them draw their own conclusion from your writing. (Just make sure it`s the conclusion you want them to draw!).

You`re basically cramming the conclusion down the viewers` throat. Subtlety is better, as long as it`s not so subtle that nobody "gets it." See?

I believe the revised draft offered was for the "How it Works" page, not the home page.

Sure everyone understands how to do laundry, but when you are letting someone else do your laundry, you want to feel safe that they are doing it right, since doing it wrong can ruin a favorite pair of jeans or t-shirt, etc.

And before you said college kids were "dumb as rocks", now you`re saying "give them some credit for having a brain"?

Ont he home page, you need to have SOME text, not just a picture and bullet points, for the search engines, and all your hyperlinks some have text that is related to your most popular search terms, i.e. linking the phrase "college laundry service" would be better than the words "pickup" and "deliver".

But there is a lot more wrong here than just text... my other post had more points that were not replied to directly, i.e. the toll free number. So what`s up Brian, what about those other points?

I read your other posts on barcodes and logo design. Frankly I think the logo design is weak, it looks more like a snowman. Plus, your idea for barcoding is a little too advanced at this stage. You just need to assign a handwritten number to each laundry bag, and then record those numbers on your pickup sheet, for later entry into a database, so it is linked to your customers account. You`re not going to want to have to carry around a laptop & barcode scanner all the time, plus you risk something not working or getting stolen and there goes all your data.

Also, most of your humor is male related (smelling like an ox, etc), but you have to consider if the parents are going to be footing the bill for your service, your humor might offend mom and you lose a sale...

keep workin on it

Good point on which page is being revised. It`s why I got to thinking I should clarify that my focus was home page. That`s the "grabber" and has to be quick and immediately understood.

I also think the the dumb-as-rocks college kids likely won`t be the main market for this. But the parents who DO think ahead, also don`t want to be patronized. It`s part of what makes this design issue interesting---the two halves of a unified group of buyers.

You don`t ordinarily sell to one person on benefits, but ask for money from another person. That`s an issue here, where the parents will get the bill but the kids have to live with the actual laundry.

consider that the parents who are paying would also realize benefits, albeit they won`t be directly affected as the students who are getting their laundry done through the service, but they will still realize benefits.

that is why we all recommend stay away from the humor, because students humor doesn`t always go over well with the parents. I once thought I was being humorous but I deeply offended CraigL, so now I stick to material I steal from Jay Leno. 

you also have to sell the concept to the students, even if their parents are paying, the student has to want it enough to beg for it from their parents, etc... Kind of like following the lead of toy manufacturers and cereal etc, marketing to the kids and assuring the parents that everything will be allright... hence my recommendations on the how we do ti page, to assure the students and parents that videos of their soiled underwear don`t show up on youtube. see that`s my bad humor. now it`s Friday night. I`ve got to go kill some brain cells!

The website looks great. I really like the design, and I think it will be appealing to college students. And it looks clean enough to gather parent customers too. That’s a quick visual-only review.

I want to talk about your copy really quick. In my opinion, you guys are using the “college humor” theme WAY too much. I feel there can be a better way to achieve a good feel about the business. To do so, make it more professional. Sure, add some of that humor here and there, but don’t over do it. Again, here, less is more.

If I were going to be a customer, I would want a more professional image. I would want a business that portrays itself as a serious business, not just as a fellow student. I would feel much more comfortable doing business with that type of company. I want to have confidence in the business. To me, your copy is not portraying that.

I think you can pull of the professional tone and still be slightly humorous. I truly believe that would work much better.

Visitors to your website are going to make a decision quickly and subconsciously weather they’ll do business with you or not. If they immediately dislike the copy or anything else or even think it’s a bit weird, then they probably wont buy. I would try to avoid any such probable dislikes.  

In the end, your customers are the ones who truly decide. The only way to find out is to test the suggestions that you see fit. Take what you feel is the best of the advice, test it, and see where it puts you.

By the way, I love that simple business idea. I can visualize hitting big with franchises across the nation!

Hope this helps!

Victor

 

PS. I would suggest making the addition to the Newsletter strictly by choice. I would absolutely never add anybody without his or her permission.
 
When using the Contact Us form: “Your email address may be entered to receive Student Suds` electronic newsletter. You can un-subscribe to this Newsletter at anytime.”

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Regarding college humor, or other forms of "closed group" humor: I don`t know the current slang, but when I was in school we used words like "groovy," or "head." We, as kids, knew what they meant, but as soon as we`d hear ANYone outside of the group use the word it immediately fell out of favor.

Many young business people want to believe that their entrance into a group is as simple as age. It isn`t. It`s a cultural thing, and no different from a white person trying to fit in with a group of black or latino people on the basis of age. Or, for a young black business person to fit in with the same age group of kids who are still in school.

It isn`t about black or white, it`s about cultural things like special handshakes and common attitudes.

If you`re running a business, you`re alien to the typical college or university student. If you try to use their type of humor or jargon, you`ll alienate yourself even more. You`re part of the "establishment," to use another 60s term, and that makes for an odd set of contradictions.

On the one hand, you`re "them." You`re not a student, so you`re an outsider. But deep underneath it all, you`re also that "establishment," and represent order, rules, stability, and the fact that the world will still be there tomorrow.

Never forget that the only reason young people choose to be rebellious is that they`re *sure* of the fact that whatever it is they`re rebelling against is there, it`s strong, it won`t break, and it`s something to test. When it fails to break, it produces reassurance, confidence, and a new sense of identity.

That`s why you, the business owner, have to remain separate and professional. You offer a service, but you`re a "real business." You demand respect as a professional, and keep a separation from your clients (customers). To use college humor in any major way would be like inviting laundry customers to your home for a drink and some burgers. It can be done, but you`ll end up appearing foolish.

Craig,

I do agree that it needs to be shortened and toned down a little bit, but that doesn`t mean you can`t build your company around a humorous and fun image. We aren`t the first company to do it, and we won`t be the last. Also, I`m only a year out of school, so I`m not an old guy trying to be `hip` with the young kids. How boring would advertising be if everyone just gave their pitch using the facts with no entertainment value?

You`re missing a point here. I didn`t say you can`t build a business and a site using humor. But like writing, lots of people think they`ve got a handle on humor. Then they don`t understand when it doesn`t work. I spent many years on stage, got to know a whole lot of comics and entertainers, and it isn`t as easy as it looks.

What I`m saying in regard to the humor is that your AGE has nothing to do with it at all. As soon as you become a business owner, you become part of the establishment (or whatever word people call it these days). The simple fact of your owning a business, startup or otherwise, places you into a completely different category.

If you don`t accept that, you`ll run into trouble.

When I was young---the same age as most of my side players---my father told me some advice. I didn`t understand it at the time, and only got it much later. He said that you can "either be a manager OR everyone`s friend. But you can`t be both."

I disagreed, figuring we all were the same age, in the same band, and so forth. After many really hard lessons, I came to understand his point. An "owner" is unique. There isn`t anyone else "like" an owner. So either you build respect as an owner, first by taking yourself seriously, or you quit being an owner.

"Taking yourself seriously" is not at all the same as "being serious all the time." Two completely different contexts for the word "serious." It`s the *kind* of humor that matters....not whether or not you want to use humor at all.

the young punks never listen to the experienced punks

Craig,
I agree with you, and I appreciate the advice. I know I`m young and I have A LOT to learn. I`m already rewriting my copy. It does pain me as I spent a good amount of money (relatively speaking) for my copywriter to write this content. But, I know it doesn`t matter how good or expensive the content is if it doesn`t sell. Anyway, here`s my first try at rewriting the homepage content.

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