I believe the revised draft offered was for the "How it Works" page, not the home page.
Sure everyone understands how to do laundry, but when you are letting someone else do your laundry, you want to feel safe that they are doing it right, since doing it wrong can ruin a favorite pair of jeans or t-shirt, etc.
And before you said college kids were "dumb as rocks", now you`re saying "give them some credit for having a brain"?
Ont he home page, you need to have SOME text, not just a picture and bullet points, for the search engines, and all your hyperlinks some have text that is related to your most popular search terms, i.e. linking the phrase "college laundry service" would be better than the words "pickup" and "deliver".
But there is a lot more wrong here than just text... my other post had more points that were not replied to directly, i.e. the toll free number. So what`s up Brian, what about those other points?
I read your other posts on barcodes and logo design. Frankly I think the logo design is weak, it looks more like a snowman. Plus, your idea for barcoding is a little too advanced at this stage. You just need to assign a handwritten number to each laundry bag, and then record those numbers on your pickup sheet, for later entry into a database, so it is linked to your customers account. You`re not going to want to have to carry around a laptop & barcode scanner all the time, plus you risk something not working or getting stolen and there goes all your data.
Also, most of your humor is male related (smelling like an ox, etc), but you have to consider if the parents are going to be footing the bill for your service, your humor might offend mom and you lose a sale...
keep workin on it
consider that the parents who are paying would also realize benefits, albeit they won`t be directly affected as the students who are getting their laundry done through the service, but they will still realize benefits.
that is why we all recommend stay away from the humor, because students humor doesn`t always go over well with the parents. I once thought I was being humorous but I deeply offended CraigL, so now I stick to material I steal from Jay Leno.
you also have to sell the concept to the students, even if their parents are paying, the student has to want it enough to beg for it from their parents, etc... Kind of like following the lead of toy manufacturers and cereal etc, marketing to the kids and assuring the parents that everything will be allright... hence my recommendations on the how we do ti page, to assure the students and parents that videos of their soiled underwear don`t show up on youtube. see that`s my bad humor. now it`s Friday night. I`ve got to go kill some brain cells!
The website looks great. I really like the design, and I think it will be appealing to college students. And it looks clean enough to gather parent customers too. That’s a quick visual-only review.
I want to talk about your copy really quick. In my opinion, you guys are using the “college humor” theme WAY too much. I feel there can be a better way to achieve a good feel about the business. To do so, make it more professional. Sure, add some of that humor here and there, but don’t over do it. Again, here, less is more.
If I were going to be a customer, I would want a more professional image. I would want a business that portrays itself as a serious business, not just as a fellow student. I would feel much more comfortable doing business with that type of company. I want to have confidence in the business. To me, your copy is not portraying that.
I think you can pull of the professional tone and still be slightly humorous. I truly believe that would work much better.
Visitors to your website are going to make a decision quickly and subconsciously weather they’ll do business with you or not. If they immediately dislike the copy or anything else or even think it’s a bit weird, then they probably wont buy. I would try to avoid any such probable dislikes.
In the end, your customers are the ones who truly decide. The only way to find out is to test the suggestions that you see fit. Take what you feel is the best of the advice, test it, and see where it puts you.
By the way, I love that simple business idea. I can visualize hitting big with franchises across the nation!
Hope this helps!
PS. I would suggest making the addition to the Newsletter strictly by choice. I would absolutely never add anybody without his or her permission.