Forums: Discussions for entrepreneurs and small business.

I am seeking your comments on the concept, and the presentation of this information.

 Our startup corporation is seeking a loan arrangement for a full service residential maintenance management service in which busy, affluent people do nothing to maintain the condition of their homes and weekend homes. We are their full service caretakers.  The secondary market is small commercial buildings.

  The primary client benefits are freedom from the demands and stresses of home ownership and preservation of home value. 

 The keys to success are an elite level of service, efficient, effectively targeted marketing and overhead costs control. 

 The targeted market geography is well defined as an unusually affluent, Southwest US county which has doubled in population in ten years and projected to continue the trends of increasing population and income growth.

 Two rounds of test marketing have helped refine the service product, the marketing strategy and the business plan and support favorable financial projections.

 The two revenue streams are management fees from clients and administrative compensation from service suppliers.

The management and the advisory board include relevant experience in operations, legal, financial management of service companies and experience in residential construction and maintenance. 

There is no other well marketed “one stop shop” for this service in this state.  Indirect competition will be the service specialists such as lawn care, pool care, HVAC, janitorial companies etc. that are not included as suppliers.

 Growth strategy decisions are projected for the third year and may include additional offices in selected markets, franchising or vertical integration.  This growth may require additional funding.

We are seeking approximately $200,000 to fund marketing and first year operations.  The startup status and personal financial conditions of the principles rules out traditional bank loans and SBA loans.  The current corporate assets are zero and the personal assets of the principles are very limited.  Therefore, we are exploring the availability of investor lending and are open to creative reasonable terms.

 Thank you in advance for your comments on the concept, and the presentation of this information.

I think it`s too long, and uses too much "jargon."

"The targeted market geography is well defined...." Things like this, in my opinion, should be made more ordinary language. "Our primary area is Thisandthat County, here in the southwest."

One thing you can do is run this through a text reader. Turn your chair away from the monitor, run the software, close your eyes, and listen to how it sounds. What looks nice in written words often sound awful when read aloud. That`ll maybe help with additional ideas. :-)

CraigL,
Thank you for the feedback and I will work on honing the language.  This is my first time on Startupnation and I noticed that my post disappeared from the visible list.  Is this normal or have I broken a rule?

Thanks again.

I`m not sure on the "disappearing," but I noticed this topic took a long time to load. However, I`ve also seen other odd bits of delays, over the months. I`m guessing it`s just server issues that happen from time to time. So...don`t worry `bout it. :-)

Try to rephrase your presentation using one of today`s (unfortunate) standard rules of thumb: Write for an eighth-grade comprehension level. In other words, write this as if you were giving it to a group of 12-yearolds.

It`s not that people are dumb. It`s rather that in such a scurrying, busy world, people only "glance" at things until they get captured and want to spend more time. 12-yearolds are notorious for their lack of patience with anything that hasn`t first got them "hooked."

Remember a Web-page rule: You have 4 seconds to "engage" your reader.

Thanks again.  Someone moved it from startup funding to elevator pitches, so I guess that works.  I am already editing the wording based on your excellent feedback.  It will certainly be shorter and more concise when I next post it.  Also, I will find a way to create interest in the opening sentence.  Thanks again.

:-) Post your changes when you`re finished, and we`ll see what else we can do with it. I always know which topics I`ve been involved with, and even if months go by, I`ll see new additions.

Revision 1:

We sell time to busy people.

We provide a robust service in which busy, affluent people do nothing to maintain the condition of their homes, weekend homes, and vehicles. We are their full service caretakers.  There is no other well marketed “one stop shop” for this service in this state. 

Our first location serves an unusually affluent, rapidly growing Southwest US county. Two rounds of test marketing support highly favorable financial projections with revenues from client management fees and administrative compensation from service suppliers.

We are seeking a $200,000 loan to fund marketing and first year operations.  Traditional bank loans and SBA loans are not available.  Therefore, we are exploring the availability of investor lending and are open to creative reasonable terms.

 Thank you in advance for your comments on the concept, and the presentation of this information.

I think you should remove all references to "rich, affluent," and so on. People with money already tend to feel guilty enough, so they don`t want to be reminded. Those who don`t feel guilty, also don`t often refer directly to their money. Elegant rich usually is very, very understated.

I really like that you`re now including what your real product is---time! That`s an excellent use of the language. I`m thinking "sell" might also be too blatant, and you can replace it with "offer," or "give."

"Are you a very busy person? We can put more time into your life." Something like that, maybe with a bit more pizazz. You can post on the Brand-building thread, with a "tagline" and explanation of what it is you do, the caretaking business. That`ll hopefully get you some additional ideas from folks like CookieMonster.

Let`s get rid of over-blown words like "robust, support," and so forth. Remember, an elevator pitch is more conversational than financial, and people don`t remember numbers. Your task is to get invited to someone`s office at a later date, to sit down with papers and spreadsheets.

We`re a full-service caretaker business, offering a “one-stop-shop” home mainenance service.

Our pilot program centers on Blah-Blah County, an affluent community in the southwest. Two rounds of test marketing have shown highly favorable revenue projections, coming from client management fees and administrative compensation from service suppliers.

We`re looking for approximately $200,000 to fund a comprehensive marketing campaign, and first-year operations. I`d like to speak with you further, and go over our financials and business plan. Here`s my business card, and I was hoping we might set up an appointment?

At that point, you hand them your card and sort of "wait" for them to give you their card. :-) It`s like that nice and subtle way a bell-captain stands there in your hotel room "waiting" for you to give them a tip. You "expect" them to give you an appointment, but you wait long enough that it doesn`t get uncomfortable.

If they don`t want anything more to do with you, be aware of that, and then say, "Well, thanks for your time, and I appreciate the opportunity to speak with you."

However, most people are polite. They`ll tell you flat out, "I`m not at all interested," or "I`d like to hear a bit more." Then you either have to follow up with some more right there and then, or they`ll give you an appointment.

CraigL
Thanks again for all your help. I understand the usefulness and purpose of the elevator pitch.  Is this also appropriate to post on this and other websites to attract investors?  I spent several hours studying the conversations in the Startup Funding forum and they seem to drive for more information, similar to my original posting, but admittedly not as long. 

Thanks,
Darrel

You`re likely not going to find a place here on SuN where you`ll attract an investor. That said, SuN Profiles DO get crawled constantly by Google. So if you were to make your appeal in your profile, you might have some benefit.

Instead, the conversations here are more about analyzing or getting tips on other Web sites that offer connections between startups and VCs. That`s only my observation, though there may be a few enterpreneurs who`ve found an investor directly through Startup Nation.

I`d do some research and check out various other sites linked with investors. I think another thing to look at is an "investment prospectus" type of package. For example, suppose I have money to invest. I`m interested in finding a good startup. What would I do?

Put yourself in that person`s shoes. You`ve just won $20-million in a lottery and everyone under the sun is coming to you asking for money. First you need a way to very quickly summarize the mail, to find anything you might have an interest in backing.

It takes money to make money, and one of the best tips I read in a book about commercial real estate is to invest in a very well written, nicely printed (4 color) brochure. Talk to a local printer, one who uses press machines, and ask them if they have any ideas about how to formulate such an investor`s package. They often have connections to many design people.

You`d want to have a 5-10 page booklet, with nice photos of the houses you`re servicing, showing the service in action. There`d be some basic financials, and a focus on the return your investor would gain under what conditions.

I guess what I`m seeing is that with a gazillion people having A Great Ideer, and limited people who have Lots Of Moolah, you have to stand out from the crowd. It`s exactly the same as differentiating your product on the open market, only this market is the "I need money" market.

Perhaps a better way would be to take another look at financing this yourself. Speak with some business counselors who might have better advice on this, where you might get a commercial loan. What would you have to do, put up in security, and what sort of paperwork would you require. That sort of thing.