I think you should remove all references to "rich, affluent," and so
on. People with money already tend to feel guilty enough, so they don`t
want to be reminded. Those who don`t feel guilty, also don`t often
refer directly to their money. Elegant rich usually is very, very
I really like that you`re now including what your real product
is---time! That`s an excellent use of the language. I`m thinking "sell"
might also be too blatant, and you can replace it with "offer," or
"Are you a very busy person? We can put more time into your life."
Something like that, maybe with a bit more pizazz. You can post on the
thread, with a "tagline" and explanation of what it is
you do, the caretaking business. That`ll hopefully get you some
additional ideas from folks like CookieMonster.
Let`s get rid of over-blown words like "robust, support," and so forth.
Remember, an elevator pitch is more conversational than financial, and
people don`t remember numbers. Your task is to get invited to someone`s
office at a later date, to sit down with papers and spreadsheets.
We sell time to busy people.
We`re a full-service caretaker business, offering a “one-stop-shop” home mainenance service.
Our pilot program
centers on Blah-Blah County, an affluent community in the southwest.
Two rounds of
test marketing have shown highly favorable revenue projections, coming from client management fees and administrative
compensation from service
We`re looking for approximately $200,000 to fund a comprehensive marketing campaign, and
I`d like to speak with you further, and go over our financials and
business plan. Here`s my business card, and I was hoping we might set
up an appointment?
At that point, you hand them your card and sort of "wait" for them to
give you their card. :-) It`s like that nice and subtle way a
bell-captain stands there in your hotel room "waiting" for you to give
them a tip. You "expect" them to give you an appointment, but you wait
long enough that it doesn`t get uncomfortable.
If they don`t want anything more to do with you, be aware of that, and
then say, "Well, thanks for your time, and I appreciate the opportunity
to speak with you."
However, most people are polite. They`ll tell you flat out, "I`m not at
all interested," or "I`d like to hear a bit more." Then you either have
to follow up with some more right there and then, or they`ll give you