Since this Forum is intended to enable people to receive feedback on their elevator pitch - I offer the following thoughts:
1. The first aim of the elevator pitch should be to get attention - especially of those who would/could / might be able to help. One way to approach this goal is to describe the "problem" you and your company are going to solve.
2. Stating "we have a business plan" is redundant- since any potential capital source would expect that as a minimum. It implies that the business plan may be all that you have.
3. The amount you are seeking seems low for all the things you mention as uses.
4. Also, the amount you are seeking is below the "norm" for a VC firm or a private equity fund. I wouldn't mention them in your pitch.
Just a few quick thoughts. I hope you find them helpful. If you would like to discuss your situation, feel free to drop me a PM or contact me directly.
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