Forums: Discussions for entrepreneurs and small business.

Hello fellow sun members, back for another critique but this time it’s for my newly written Sales letter which I will be Mailing and E-mailing

some questions I’m looking to get answered are

1.      Does it Feel like spam

2.      If you where a Kansas business owner would this letter catch your interest

3.      Are my promotions tempting           

 

 

Has the economy affected your businesses growth? It’s Time to fight back!

You have worked hard to get your business up and running, don’t let the economy stop your business from prospering. Now is the time to formulate an aggressive marketing strategy.  You need to insure that when Emporia shoppers looks for a certain service or product your business is the first they think about, because if it’s not your business it someone else’s.

My business is direct mail advertising; we mail out a 5.5x8.5 publication “Store Front Magazine” to the home owners of Emporia (8,000). Advertisers get a full page and color for their ads and you don’t have to purchase the mailing list. Advertisements are not cluttered together so your ad won’t go unnoticed.   

My website has additional information. The website also has a forum for Kansas business owners and business start ups. The forum is there for the Kansas business community from Emporia to Garden City. On the website you can also advertise your business for free! Business Associates Online gives Kansas business owners a free webpage to showcase all their business details, add your photos, logo, hours open, address, phone number etc.

Some of our ongoing Promotions for 2009

·         2  for 1 when you buy your first advertisement with us you get a second one free.          (that’s 16,000 Direct Mail ads for $1,000 )

·         Community organizations & Fundraisers get free front page announcements for their events.

·         New Businesses get front page announcement on the cover of both publications for 2 months with one weeks purchase. (That’s 64,000 Direct Mail ads for 1,000)

I believe my services will be a great asset to your businesses success in these hard economic times.   

Thank you for taking the time to read my e mail and I hope you will give me a chance to earn your Trust and Friendship.

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Kansas Direct mail Service & Kansas Business Netwok

I don`t think it sounds like spam at all...it`s a well structured email to generate sales. I would include some more information about why your publication is unique, compared to others. Why would I want to advertise with you VS. your competitor? Are you cheaper? Better quality? Identify your unique selling proposition, and make that the focus of your sales letter.


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THE M COMPANIES - BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT BLOG

Sergio;
Again this may just be me, why ask all the questions? get to the point something like, "get your message into  every homeowner in emporias hands" I don`t think in this economy you have to identify your customers problem.
then rather than specify the size of your mag, just say the mags name, like " I publish the store front magazine monthly" Advertisers get......." say it like you are so confident in your product, say it like it was the NEW YORK TIMES, like it has been serving million and millions for decades.
"visit my website www.yoursitehere.com for additional information, Kansas state and local Forums for business owners and startups".
Contact me by phone or email with questions.

This months pricing specials are.

I am Not trying to be negative,  you are trying to get business owners to ADVERTISE with you to increase their SALES, if you can`t get me to want to buy from you how can you get my customers to want to buy from me.

get to the point solve the problem, right now many business owners are worried about how to pay the rent next month, if you can`t get over that front line you won`t get anywhere.

a final suggestion, imagine yourself in a position of "do or die", you have 500 bucks for your last ditch effort to make this work and generate enough sales to last another month, who do you invest in for marketing, soft, long winded passive copy or in your face problem solving copy?
 
just my thoughts

You are not targeting a specific customer.  A lot of decision makers won`t waste time on a generic letter.  Learn something about the people you really want to sell to.  Then write the letter to them.  You might try reading a book by Dorothy Leeds called "Marketing Yourself."  It specifically addresses this type of letter.


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The older we get, the more excuses we make for not chasing after our dreams. But truth is, goals are attainable at any age.

Too complicated for someone people who are a) busy, and b) worried that they`re not getting enough customers. They want something fast, quick, with headings, subheadings, and bullets. Think

• TV sound bytes,
  
• text messaging, and
  
• really short points of information.

No.  This won`t sell.  Full of  jargon.  Full of what your business

Dear

Has the economy affected your businesses growth? It’s Time to fight back!

You have worked hard to get your business up and running, don’t let the economy stop your business from prospering. Now is the time to formulate an aggressive marketing strategy.  You need to insure that when Emporia shoppers looks for a certain service or product your business is the first they think about, because if it’s not your business it someone else’s.

My business is direct mail advertising; we mail out “ Store Front Magazine ” The weekly magazine that let the home owners of Emporia (8,000) know about local sales and promotions. Advertisers get a full page and color for their ads and you don’t have to purchase the mailing list. Advertisements are not cluttered together so your ad won’t go unnoticed. Unlike our competitors Store Front Magazine does not get thrown on people’s lawn, our magazine gets mailed to the home owner’s mailbox and into the people’s hands.    

Some of our ongoing Promotions for 2009

·         2  for 1 when you buy your first advertisement with us you get a second one free.          (that’s 16,000 Direct Mail ads for $1,000 )

·         Community organizations & Fund raisers get free front page announcements for their events.

·         New Businesses get front page announcement on the cover of both publications for 2 months with one weeks purchase. (That’s 64,000 Direct Mail ads for 1,000)

I believe my services will be a great asset to your businesses success, because in these hard economic times your advertising dollars need to go along way. Your money will go along way with Store Front Magazine, no doubt about it!   

Benefits you enjoy when you do business with us!

·         Great  promotions

·         Great Prices

·         Free Web page

·         Free membership in the Kansas business organization

·         Convenient & Quality service

Thank you for taking the time to read my e mail and I hope you will give me a chance to earn your Trust and Friendship. Our next delivery will be on Thursday January 22^nd if you’re interested please visit our website for more details.

sa@businessassociatesonline.com

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Kansas Direct mail Service & Kansas Business Netwok

Better or Worse?

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Kansas Direct mail Service & Kansas Business Netwok

hmm....I still don`t much care for it, meaning that it doesn`t reach out and grab me. One thing that bothers me is the sort of never-ending, on-the-bandwagon thing about how the economy is bad. Fine. So it`s bad. But if you start right out talking about it, I think you end up creating a sort of depressed frame of mind, making it less interesting to the reader.

What about "assuming" the target business is doing just fine, but they`d like to do just finer....? :-) (I made up that term.) So for example, you leading "headline:"
I`m a big fan of both positive subliminal language, AND stating the obvious....plain speaking.

Overall, though, the main problem is that these two examples spend a lot of time talking about what you do. They don`t quickly demonstrate what you offer.

When you`re not talking about what you do, you`re complaining on behalf of the business owner. :-) They`ve got plenty of complaints and don`t need to read more about them, y`know?

Take a look at this PDF file. It`s a good place to start. You also can do a search for "great sales letters" to get some ideas and tips.

I clicked an internal link to the document about "headline creator," some software that offers a video explanation. It`s fascinating!

One of the things missing is that it still takes a sales mind to come up with powerful words. In the demo business, there are 4 questions you have to answer. Even the questions are superb, and totally focus your mind. But one of them is, "what do you want to accomplish?"

He says, "explode my Internet business." Why choose "explode?" They say it`s a powerful word. But how would you know that, and why would you choose it? That`s the *art* of writing, and the art of applying language in persuasive writing.

Thanks for your input and the PDF link Craig. Ill take a look at it.

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Kansas Direct mail Service & Kansas Business Netwok