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It`s my turn to ask you, what you think.

We are ready to send out a press release (that was very well written by a Sun member), and we need to put an article on our site about our campaign.  Before we go live with it, I was wondering if you think it`s too wordy?

http://www.houseofjerky.net , the Jerky Up!, article

 

Thanks, I really look foward to your comments.

Janie

 

Not too wordy, but here`s a great opportunity for SEO writing and it`s just going to waste. You`ve got 398 words, which falls just slightly high of the 350 for a solid SEO article. But in those words, what are you saying that will help you get found?

You`re highlighting "soldiers," "jerky," "care packages," and that seems about all. But think of the keyword phrases you could put into this? :-)

I received this email an hour ago from a friend serving in Iraq. This is his 2nd tour in Iraq (Operation Iraqi Freedom), and has also served in Afghanistan. (Operation Enduring Freedom)

Michelle, thank you for directing me to the post here at SuN about the efforts of  House of Jerky to support the troops here in Iraq. Its a welcome site for folks back home to be supporting the troops and all those that are here involved with Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Please let Jane know that her efforts and program are much appreciated by the troops, as while having lunch today I was able to mention it to some of the troops. The response was very positive and appreciative from some of the best this country has to offer.

I hope that her program will be very successful and wish her the best in all her endeavors. Please let her know that the troops, and all those here (including the civilian contrators of which I am one) appreciate the fact that we have home town support from many Americans.

Take care and say Hi to everyone at SuN.

TJ Graff 

Okay, Craig..you`re making me think, huh?

I `ve had a couple of  `pm`s` about the press release, and thanks.:)  But this is not the press release, which really has a lot more to it. This is different,  It is just the article explaining it on the website.

Also, I`d like to give the credit to Samantha, Sun member `write for you` for our press release and article.  She did a wonderful job! And thanks Roland for getting it on our site so quickly! 

Any body have any other comments?  I`d love to get our press release out soon.  Thanks!

Janie

Hey thanks Blonieblue, tell TJ hi. :)

That is great!! Thanks for passing on the word!!!

~Roland

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Okay, we went live.   I thought the article Samantha wrote was great from the very beginning.  Not a single thing needed to be changed! I guess I was just wondering if anyone thought it was too long for a front page article, on our site.

writeforyou`s article is here, and I highly recommend her, if you need any articles, or a press release done. 

http://www.houseofjerky.net 

 Our new logo, by `campsteve` should be done soon too!

Thanks Janie, I`m so glad you liked it!

Oh, and Janie, I`ve just submitted your Press Release to all 3 places we discussed!  I`m so excited to see how many troops you will be able to send jerky to!

Can I come in late on this?

Your punctuation has some problems. It`s making the reading not flow well.

We`re so proud and excited here at House of Jerky, to get our brand new holiday campaign started.
could be something like
We`re proud and excited to launch our new holiday campaign here at House of Jerky.
Or at least drop the comma after Jerky.

And
Here`s how it works. Whether you`re one of our most loyal customers, or you`re just stopping in to check us out, you can make the day of a deployed soldier.
could be be more like
Here`s how it works: You can bring joy to a deployed soldier and show them how much you care, whether you`re one of our most loyal customers or you`re just stopping in to check us out.

There`s a couple of run-ons that should just be broken into 2 sentences.
Like this should probably be 2:
You can visit the Jerky News page and read notes and thank you letters from the soldiers who have received jerky, and after December 1, you can find out how many bags of jerky were sent.
Or maybe something like
On our Jerky News page, you can read notes and thank you letters from our troops who have received their jerky care packages. After December 1st, we will also announce the total number of jerky packages sent.

Sorry ... I don`t mean to pick. I was just really stumbling over it because my head really wants to edit it. I don`t think it`s wordy in terms of number of words ... I think it`s wordy in terms of needing an edit. I think people will still get it - if they make the effort to read the whole thing. I just tend to lose interest quickly in something my head stumbles over.