Can I come in late on this?
Your punctuation has some problems. It`s making the reading not flow well.
We`re so proud and
excited here at House of Jerky, to get
our brand new holiday campaign started.
could be something like
We`re proud and
excited to launch our new holiday campaign here at House of Jerky.
Or at least drop the comma after Jerky.
Here`s how it works. Whether you`re one
of our most loyal customers, or you`re
just stopping in to check us out, you
can make the day of a deployed soldier.
could be be more like
Here`s how it works: You can bring joy to a deployed soldier and show them how much you care, whether you`re one
of our most loyal customers or you`re
just stopping in to check us out.
There`s a couple of run-ons that should just be broken into 2 sentences.
Like this should probably be 2:
You can visit the
page and read notes and
thank you letters from the soldiers who
have received jerky, and after December
1, you can find out how many bags of
jerky were sent.
Or maybe something like
On our Jerky News page, you can read notes and thank you letters from our troops who have received their jerky care packages. After December 1st, we will also announce the total number of jerky packages sent.
Sorry ... I don`t mean to pick. I was just really stumbling over it because my head really wants to edit it. I don`t think it`s wordy in terms of number of words ... I think it`s wordy in terms of needing an edit. I think people will still get it - if they make the effort to read the whole thing. I just tend to lose interest quickly in something my head stumbles over.