Janie,
If you want the most effective press release, it needs to be clear, concise, logical and written with attention to proper grammar and punctuation. If it`s lacking in any of these areas, it`s not going to be as effective as a press release that does follow the above criteria. Makes sense, right?
The suggestions made here were simply to help you revise it so you can have the most effective press release possible. As it stands, there are some serious issues in terms of punctuation, grammar and logical flow.
No one is saying you won`t have the support of the community, but the people reading press releases (editors, reporters, interested parties on the web, etc.) might not get its full effect because of these errors.
Simply put, these errors diminish the professionalism of your organization and the cause. If you want to be taken seriously, you`ll want to put forth the most polished "image" possible, right?
-Erika
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Yah...what he said! :-D
The point is that before your public reading audience judges the press release, the pros in the press rooms will judge it. I don`t know that much about the process, but I`m supposing that if the editors and copy-editors think it`s not all that professional, it`ll affect the way the release is handled at the different distribution points.
The point is that before your public reading audience judges the press release, the pros in the press rooms will judge it. I don`t know that much about the process, but I`m supposing that if the editors and copy-editors think it`s not all that professional, it`ll affect the way the release is handled at the different distribution points.
Thank you Melanie. I`m trying to think of a beneficial subheadline now. Okay, Dale just tells me it`s not good, and now Craig says not many will read it. Why? It`s not newsworthy? Our community is very supportive, and this is just one of the ways that we can support our own national gaurd that will be delployed for a year.
Well, when is Nicole going to chime in? :)
Janie, the criticism may be tough for you to hear, but you did ask. And the members who critiqued your release are only trying to help you make it the best it can be.
Dale King
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Dale,
Criticism doesn`t bother me a bit, but constructive criticism was what I was looking for. If I need to change things for improvement, I will. Don`t simply say it`s NOT good. It`s a work in progress, and if you have any helpful suggestions, I`d be happy to listen.
Thanks Craig, you are always thinking and always willing to help others. I, like so many others here do appreciate it!
Erica, thanks. Of course I want to be taken seriously. I saw from another one of your posts that you are a freelance reporter. I had a question for you and sent you a private message. And Melanie, I will still ponder the headline, thanks.:)
Janie
Dale,
Criticism doesn`t bother me a bit, but constructive criticism was what I was looking for. If I need to change things for improvement, I will. Don`t simply say it`s NOT good. It`s a work in progress, and if you have any helpful suggestions, I`d be happy to listen.
Janie, I no longer give critiques. I find they`re usually not appreciated. I was merely disagreeing with your assessment that your press release is great. In my opinion, it`s not. Don`t say it`s great, and then in the same breath say it`s a work in progress. If it`s so great, then why do you need to have it critiqued? You can`t have it both ways.
Dale King
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hype, lies and scams...read this!
Click here for more details!
The point is. I actually liked it. But I knew before I contacted the press, I should get some feedback from the experts here. So, it began to take on a "`work in progress" aspect. And I am thankful for those that took time to give me feedback!
Janie
I am thankful for those that took time to give me feedback!
That`s good. You received some very sound advice.
Dale King
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If you`re tired of all the money-making
hype, lies and scams...read this!
Click here for more details!
Yes, I recieved great advice and here`s the rewrite. Any comments are appreciated.
Janie
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
House of Jerky Supports Troops in Iraq
Evansville, Indiana-Based Business Raises Funds with Soldiers` Angels
Evansville, Ind., Mar. 20, 2008 — American troops in Iraq can expect good things from Evansville, Indiana this year. The newest House of Jerky location in the Evansville Marketplace is proud to announce its campaign to send jerky donations to support U.S. soldiers deployed to Iraq.
For 2008, House of Jerky has pledged to match all customer donations made in the store. As soon as there are enough donations to ship overseas, the jerky will be packaged and sent to the Redhawks, the men and women from the Indiana National Guard`s 163rd Field Artillery serving in Iraq.
According to Ronald Hargett, owner of House of Jerky, the campaign with Soldiers` Angels, a non-profit organization that supports American military personnel deployed world-wide, promises to be very exciting.
"With the community`s support, the House of Jerky can continue to make a difference in the lives of service members and their families," Hargett said.
"It is a great idea to send jerky to a soldier, not only because of the nutritional quality, benefits and convenience, but also because we hear from many soldiers that jerky is what they like to receive most."
In one such letter to House of Jerky, American soldier Christopher McLamb wrote, "I would just like to thank you for the Soldiers` Angels gift package you sent to our small unit in Kuwait. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your warm-hearted gift and your support."
For as little as $4.99 for a 2-oz. package of jerky, customers can show their appreciation and support for the soldiers overseas.
"We thank the Redhawks for the work they perform every day for our military members and their families," said Janie Honeycutt, director of sales and marketing for HouseofJerky.com. "We hope our efforts will help the troops and their families get through their deployment.”
All it takes is a little compassion to brighten a soldier`s day, and the people at Evansville`s House of Jerky will go above and beyond donations to show the troops they care.
“We will also send the soldiers cards and letters that customers can fill out at our store, and we pay all shipping costs," Hargett said. "It’s so little to do for those that are giving so much on our behalf. We will continue to support them until they all come home.”
About House of Jerky
Founded online in 2000, House of Jerky (http:// www.HouseofJerky.com ) specializes in delicious, all-natural jerky. House of Jerky provides customers across the country with a variety of jerky products, including beef, buffalo, venison, ostrich and turkey jerky. House of Jerky products are always made from Grade A, USDA inspected meats, with no preservatives or additives. Customer service is a priority at House of Jerky, where all orders are packed and shipped promptly, free of charge.
After all, jerky is not a snack. It`s a way of life.
To give the gift of jerky to a local soldier stationed in Iraq, visit the House of Jerky at
3848 North First Ave.
Evansville, IN Zip Code
Contact: Name here, telephone number, e-mail
Web site: http://www.houseofjerky.com /
Way better! I`d go with it as above excepting to remove the following completely:
You don`t need it, and the release is a tad too long with it, in my opinion. So your revision would go from the one closing paragraph sentence, directly to the next opening sentence, without the headline:
"We thank the Redhawks for the work they perform every day for our military members and their families," said Janie Honeycutt, director of sales and marketing for HouseofJerky.com. "We hope our efforts will help the troops and their families get through their deployment.”
All it takes is a little compassion to brighten a soldier`s day, and the people at Evansville`s House of Jerky will go above and beyond donations to show the troops they care.
“We will also send the soldiers cards and letters that customers can fill out at our store, and we pay all shipping costs," Hargett said. "It’s so little to do for those that are giving so much on our behalf. We will continue to support them until they all come home.”
About House of Jerky
You don`t need it, and the release is a tad too long with it, in my opinion. So your revision would go from the one closing paragraph sentence, directly to the next opening sentence, without the headline:
For as little as $4.99 for a 2-oz. package of jerky, customers can show their appreciation and support for the soldiers overseas.
Thank you Craig. I smiled, when reading that YOU thought it was too long. I will definitely take that into consideration before submitting it.
Janie
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