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houseofjerkyjanie

posts: 1150

Mar 15, 2008 11:56 AM ET Quote Report Abuse

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I think it`s complete,... so I was wondering if any of you, have any thoughts, ideas, suggestions, or feedback for me. I`d appreciate it! :)

Thanks,

Janie

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Local Company Supports The Red Hawks

Evansville, Indiana March 1, 2008 — Indiana-based House of Jerky, the newest edition to the Evansville Marketplace, and the Soldiers Angels are proud to announce a new fundraising partnership. Throughout 2008, House of Jerky of Evansville, will offer customers an opportunity to demonstrate their support for America`s troops by matching donations that will be sent to the 340 Red Hawk Troops in Iraq, the 163rd

"We are excited about this promotion with our House of Jerky Store location in Evansville" said Ronald Hargett, Owner of House of Jerky. "With the communities support, the House of Jerky can continue to make a difference in the lives of service members and their families."

"We thank the Red Hawks for the work they perform every day for our military members and their families," said Janie Honeycutt, director of Sales and Marketing for HouseofJerky.com. "We hope our efforts will help the troops and their families get through their deployment.”

The store which has recently opened in Evansville has been online since 2000 and has been in business for ten years. Owner Ron says “It is a great idea to send jerky to a soldier, not only because of the nutritional quality, benefits and convenience but also because we hear from many soldiers, that jerky is what they like to receive most. We strongly support our troops that are risking their lives for our freedom and we have been collecting names and addresses of servicemen and women in all branches of the U.S. military. We have ongoing correspondence with many. Most of them are requesting support and encouragement from all of us here.” The passion for this cause is evident in this local company’s efforts to not only promote a donation match but as the owner of House of Jerky states, “We will also send cards and letters that they can fill out at our store and pay all shipping costs. It’s so little to do for those that are giving so much on our behalf. We will continue to support them until they all come Home.”

About House of Jerky

House of Jerky ( www.HouseofJerky.com ) has been online since 2000, making natural jerky available to those not close to one of House of Jerky store locations. House of Jerky gives personal attention to every online order, making sure all orders are packed and shipped promptly. At House of Jerky, shipping is always free of charge. To donate to a local Soldier visit our store located at,

3848 North First Avenue, Evansville, Indiana, or visit us at your convenience at www.HouseofJerky.com .

Contact:

PR for House of Jerky

piteracreativeservices

posts: 25

Mar 15, 2008 4:59 PM ET Quote Report Abuse

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Hi Janie,

I read a lot of press releases, and overall you did a great job! I just wanted to point out a few areas for improvement.

For starters, you`ve got a few too many commas splashed throughout. To be fair, though, I`m extremely picky about that sort of thing.

For example, in "Throughout 2008, House of Jerky of Evansville, will offer customers an opportunity to demonstrate their support..." you don`t need a comma after Evansville. There are a number of other places where you can apply the same logic. Another trick to remember: any time you have a phrase like "The store which has recently opened..." - always put a comma before which. So, it should read "The store, which has recently opened..." (Also, I`d remove "has" from that sentence). If you were to say, "The store that recently opened..." you wouldn`t need a comma because you`re using "that." Make sense?

Also, you don`t need to repeat your location quite as often. And I`m assuming you listed an e-mail and phone number for the PR contact but just chose to omit it here on the forum.

Lastly, I would consider breaking the long paragraph ("The store...") into two or three shorter paragraphs. For a reporter or editor, it`s easier on the eyes to scan if it`s broken up into smaller chunks.

Hope these pointers help!

-------------------------

Pitera Creative Services offers small businesses affordable solutions in the areas of photography, copywriting and marketing.

Pitera Creative Services
Thomas Pitera Photography
MyGourmetConnection - A Blog for Food Lovers

CMJOffice

posts: 19

Mar 15, 2008 5:18 PM ET Quote Report Abuse

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I concur with your last reply. You need to fix your punctuation. It does look informative and interesting. Good job.

-------------------------

Colleen M. Johnson, CMJ Office
http://www.cmjoffice.com
http://www.cmjoffice.com/blog

houseofjerkyjanie

posts: 1150

Mar 15, 2008 7:00 PM ET Quote Report Abuse

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Thanks, I appreciate it. I need this kind of input!

Janie

CraigL

posts: 9051

Mar 16, 2008 1:01 PM ET Quote Report Abuse

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Here`s another one:

...."With the communities support, the House of Jerky can continue to make...

"Community`s" support is the possesive of 1 community. Otherwise, if you have many different local communities, the possesive would be "communities`" with the single apostrophe after that particular "s."

The problem of commas creates ambiguities, in particular with the lead-in sentence. As it stands, it`s not very strong and becomes distracting:

Indiana-based House of Jerky, the newest edition to the Evansville Marketplace, and the Soldiers Angels are proud to announce a new fundraising partnership.

Are there 3 entities here? 1) House of Jerky, 2) The Evansville Marketplace, and 3) Soldiers Angels?

Who`s leading this press release---Soldier`s Angels? Who is Soldier`s Angels, and why are they proud to make this announcement, when in fact, it`s all about House of Jerky?

One way to repair it, also demonstrates the logical problem:

Soldiers Angels, along with Indiana-based House of Jerky, the newest edition to the Evansville Marketplace, is proud to announce a new fundraising partnership.

See? It fixes the ambiguity, but leads the reader to believe that this release will be all about Soldiers Angels. Then, to make matters worse, the "Red Hawks" suddenly show up in the middle of things, further confusing the issue.

Then there`s this:

The store which has recently opened in Evansville has been online since 2000 and has been in business for ten years.....

"House of Jerky, which has sold exclusively online for the past ten years, recently opened their new store in Evansville."

And so forth... :-D

houseofjerkyjanie

posts: 1150

Mar 16, 2008 7:33 PM ET Quote Report Abuse

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Oh, Craig.....you`re trying to send me back to the drawing board. I think it`s a great release, written by yet, another Sun member affiliation. I enjoy using other entrepreneur`s services, and have always found great resources here.

Maybe I should not reference the Soldiers Angels in this press release. I see how I`ve confused you. House of Jerky, our new store location in Evansville is putting on this promotion, not necessarily a fundraiser Actually the Red Hawks, are the name of our local National Guard that just recently deployed. It is geared to be a local involvement. I asked for info on our deployed troops out of Evansville on the Soldiers Angels forum, which you know I am a part of. But I`m actually supporting this unit with some other local Soldiers Angels, and giving an opportunity for our local community to get involved. We have many other fundraisers we`re going to work on for the Redhawks!

Janie

PRPro

posts: 441

Mar 17, 2008 6:08 AM ET Quote Report Abuse

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Hi Janie,

I hate to add more to Craig`s notes above, but I would also suggest adding the name of your organization to the headline and adding a beneficial subheadline to be picked up by search engines. This will also add more detail and a newsworthy item for reporters on deadline who will only read the headline.

Thanks,

Melanie

-------------------------

Melanie Rembrandt
CEO, Rembrandt Communications®, LLC
Visit www.rembrandtwrites.com for valuable PR tips and SEO copywriting help!
Twitter: @RembrandtWrites

DaleKing

posts: 1061

Mar 17, 2008 9:21 AM ET Quote Report Abuse

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I think it`s a great release.

It`s NOT a great press release. It`s okay, but it can be greatly improved. The critical feedback you`re getting is justified and for the most part accurate.

Dale King

-------------------------

If you`re tired of all the money-making
hype, lies and scams...read this!
Click here for more details!

CraigL

posts: 9051

Mar 17, 2008 9:57 AM ET Quote Report Abuse

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Oh, Craig.....you`re trying to send me back to the drawing board.

:-) Hey...I don`t make anyone do anything. I read the release, had my thoughts, and they`re just commentary. With the diminishing number of people who read or use critical thinking, you`ll have to decide how many people will actually read this release, and who will actually think about the logic of the wording. My guess is not enough to worry about it.

houseofjerkyjanie

posts: 1150

Mar 17, 2008 10:20 AM ET Quote Report Abuse

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Thank you Melanie. I`m trying to think of a beneficial subheadline now. Okay, Dale just tells me it`s not good, and now Craig says not many will read it. Why? It`s not newsworthy? Our community is very supportive, and this is just one of the ways that we can support our own national gaurd that will be delployed for a year.

Well, when is Nicole going to chime in? :)

Janie

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