Hi Katie :-) This is very good....! Of course I have comments, but
overall, I think you`re making it quite clear what you`re doing.
We`ve had various discussions on other topics, but the bottom line is
that when you`re writing for public consumption, you should use the
"editorial We" in reference to yourself. So in the last line (bold) of
your first paragraph, change the "I" to "We."
I`d also break up the first paragraph, perhaps on related questions and
their answers. White space usually helps make for better readability.
Finally, something I`ve learned in my own writing (still learning) is
the idea of "what`s the mystery?" If you`re writing a novel, then you
want the dramatic build-up, the mysteries and questions, and the
wondering what`s going on.
But when you`re writing for business, you don`t want any mystery. Tell
them what you`re "going to" tell them. Then tell them. Then tell them
what you told them.
If you examine your first paragraph, you`re doing the mystery build-up
thing. Can you come up with a really punchy first line that explains
exactly what it is you offer? Then leave the rest as it is. Finally,
keep your summation as just that, a summary of the first section:
Entrepreneurs and small businesses
deserve to have affordable support from an experienced professional.
We, here at Help-Virtual, are devoted to supporting your goals!
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