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I wrote this a fw years ago.. I hope you enjoy it!

 I just got back from WalMart and I have some issues.
Well... I had some issues well before going to Walmart.. carried em right on in the two way door, and the nice lady in the blue vest put a smiley sticker on em to show that I hadn`t gotten these particular issues there, but that I`d had them previously.

Little did I know, Id stock up on NEW but not neccessarily IMPROVED issues before I left the store...

Firstly, I upon entering the aforementioned superstore, I begin thinking about icons... pop icons... culture... where we are in our day and age... and my mind wanders well past the dogfood aisle where I stand with my cart askew, lugging a heeeyuge bag of the cheapest cardboard flavored dogfood ( or is it dogfood flavored cardboard?)... and I wonder, in 20 years from now, how will we be remembered? What will be associated with this day and age? The 70s had their discos, hippies, bad clothes and big hair. The 80s had break dancing, rubiks cubes, pacman and the likes... so I wonder.. when children study the history of this day and age, what will be the commonality of all our cultures?

I hope to GOD they don`t include Walmart.

It`s long been my motto "Ill do ANYTHING for a dollar." ( Until I got married and now I tone it down a little to "I`ll do ANYTHING to save a buck or two." Doesnt sound so... trashy. ) I`ll even endure Walmart for the savings, and I KNOW thats what theyre counting on when they send advertisements out to EVERYONE and their cousin ( who in this part of Wyoming very well could be their UNCLE or HUSBAND as well.) So whereas I may endure it.. I wont do it QUIETLY.

Here`s what I learned today. People are scary. Just plain out and out stupid. I want to know... are they scary at the Walmart in your area? Or is there an entirely TOO large a conglomeration of stupid scary people in my neighborhood? And Im not talking about the employees of Walmart, God Bless them all... Im thinking theres a special place in heaven reserved for Walmart employees who have to put UP with the kinds of people who walk through their doors.

I`m standing in the toy section with my husband... perusing the possibilities of birthday toys for our soon to be two year old. "Nope," I say as I set down a toy fishing pole and tackle set, "Can be used as a weapon." "Nope", I say as I set down a doctor set, "Can be used as a weapon." I hold the stethescope in true two year old fashion, and show my husband how it can be used as a set of rubber numchuks to scare the bejeezus out of someone, or worse yet.. put an eye out.

Casually, I make my way down the aisle, pleased with the fact that for once, Walmart is pretty unoccupied, and I can take my sweet time in finding a non weapon for my not so sweet two year old. My husband tires of my "Nope, its a weapon," diatribe, and makes his way down the aisle and over to the NERF section I assume. As I near the end of my own aisle, I hear what is unmistakably, without a doubt ( I have 3 sons, trust me on this) the sound of gas being forced violently from an orifice, and I am APALLED. Furious with my husband for his lack of decency, I storm around the end of the toy aisle, stick my head around to the offending section and belt out..

"Awww... You PIG!"

At about the same time, my husband peeks around from the aisle BEHIND me and I realise my mistake, the poor man, ( I was going to say gentleman, but NO gentelman can belt out a pants whistle like THAT one...) gingerly sets the toy back on the shelf and slowly backs away from me with a mouthed "excuse me."

My husbands laughing at me by this point, and IM mortified and angry all at the same time. Brusquely brushing past him, I continue on with my shopping.

Enter, the bimbo.

I`m standing in the paint section, waiting for the worlds SLOWEST clerk (( I swear he needs to have a "slow moving vehicle" warning on his blue vest )) to mix some paint for me, and a lady comes up to have a key made. She looks over the assorted keys available while she waits, with a frown on her otherwise NORMAL looking face... the clerk offers to wait on her while my paint is mixing and she hands him what looks to be a house key. He grabs a blank and proceeds to make the key. When he hands it back to her, she looks at HIM like HES the stupid one and says... "This isnt the key I needed." She points out that hers has a round head and his has a square head, and doesnt he realise that they`re different and that this new one obviously wont work, because its a different brand? I leave as he is trying to explain to her that it doesnt matter what the TOP of the key looks like... and she grows ever more belligerent. I walk off thinking he needed to hand her a key to the STUPID farm, so she can MOVE RIGHT IN.

It gets worse, folks.

Recently introduced to the walmart in our area, is the Do it Yourself checkout lane. I know many of you have had these around for quite some while... but Walmart, in its infinite wisdom must have based the availabilty of such technology on area IQ ratings, and ours was last on the list. Either that or they decided that the management needed to have a good laugh, and theyre secretly taping area residents trying to use them, and showing them at Walmart holiday parties nationwide.

I refuse to use the self checkout thingamabobs. I prefer the good old face to face transaction... but on this particular day, I chose a check out lane right next to the self check out kiosks. A man and a woman stand at the register, reading the directions, out loud (and very poorly, I might add.) She runs an alarm clock radio over the scanner and it beeps. Unsure of whether or not it rang up the price, she scans it again. The husband snatches the clock away from her and shows her that obviously with her lesser IQ she rang it up twice. Exasperated, she asks.. "Well NOW what do I do?"

The husband, obviously the smarter of the two (( he is! Just ASK him )) takes the clock radio and instead of scanning it from the left to the right, does it backwards.. from the right to the left, fully expecting it to take OFF the second entry. Now theyre up to THREE scans on the SAME item, and I have no choice but to just look away.

Never to complain without first looking for a solution.. I hit upon what *I* think are some grand ideas. Seems to me that the express aisles serve their purpose well. Why not have Aisles with signs on them... instead of 20 items or less... 5 teeth or more?

Or why cant the greeter also perform a secondary task of IQ assessor? Or better yet... why not have an hour before the store opens available to people who just want to get right in, do their shopping while offending as few people as they can, and get the HE double hockey sticks out before the scary people arrive in their smoking station wagons, circling the lot for hours, hunting that closest parking place, when they could have parked three counties away, gotten in, bought whatever trinkets they think they need and get out and be GONE ALREADY??

I think I`ll write the president of Walmart a friendly letter with my concerns and solutions...

Stupid people... on sale now at your local Walmart.

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Going slow is for weenies!

LMAO.... I completely sympathize with you. I never shop at WalMart anymore. I`ve found that Target really isn`t much (if any) more expensive and causes me a lot less headache. To me, the extra few pennies is worth the savings of stress!

That whole part about the people at the do-it-yourself checkout is seriously cracking me up. Real life is so much funnier (and more astounding) than anything the most talented author could dream up, isn`t it?


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  Okay....I sooooooooo needed that this morning!!! THAT was hilarious!!! Without baby in tow I often venture to Walmart for a good laugh! My favorite is the locals who dress in their finest (shorts that hang slightly lower than their crack...and the paint/coffee/food stained wife beater) for their essentials shopping at the local Wally-world. I am not sure I would mind so much if they actually showered....but as soon as you enter you know one of them is in the store somewhere...cuz you can still smell `em!! Great story though! Had me cracking up!!!







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Leah Tucker

YM,

That was a bold outburst and just plain funny. Very Andy Rooney-ishof you.............you know what really bugs me?.........WalMart! LOL

To keep the rant alive I have to take a quick stab at TAR-zzzshhay as we call it. What is with those horrible red plastic shopping carts? Can anybody find one that doesn`t have a wheel problem cause I sure can`t!  And why is mine always the loudest squeaking-clattering-won`t turn-left-full of somebody`s sale papers and a spilled drink cart in the store? I know one thing for sure. The best cart in the store is almost certainly welded to the inside of another shopping cart and will need an acetylene torch and dynamite to break it free.......and then..ironically..it will look like the rest of the carts!

And then there`s Best Buy........I don`t want your service contract for this product! I have saved THOUSANDS of dollars by not getting it. If they were just being friendly with it they would give it away, but the fact is that they rake extra money in by the millions every day and they are taking it from people that just don`t know how to say N-O!.

Oh, would you like to save 10 percent by filling out our credit application? No!

My latest peeve. In an attempt to appear more helpful, all of the supermarkets have been requiring the baggers to ask "Do you need help bringing that to your vehicle?"  no matter WHAT you have purchased.

I swear. One of these times I`m going to say Yes.....yes I would really like some assistance with my 1 loaf of whole wheat bread, 4 apples and a greeting card.....you didn`t think I was going to carry that out all by myself did you?

Oooh   another one.....see what you`ve done Yvette!!........ When you go to a Drive-Through and you pull up to the menu and it plays the pre-recorded message that sounds just like the person...:Hi  Thanks for choosing Greasy Burger! Would you like to try our new GreasyMeltDeluxePepperJackDoubleTransFattyExtremeBeefyHeartA ttackCombo Today..............Uh no thanks.....could I have a large iced tea please?.............hello?............hello? . .......Oh Hi.....Thanks for stopping at Greasy Burger could you repeat your order?..........1 large iced tea please...oh and a hammer to pound my skull sensless....that`s all......

I have to stop. I really must stop......must stop!  help me!

~Eric...........he seemed so quiet.......I think he`s lost it!

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~Eric
JE Design Group, LLC
If all you do is what you`ve done, then all you`ll get is what you`ve got.
www.jedesigngroup.com

Welcome to the rest of the world.
   Isn`t it great to see what shopping price will get you? I prefer to shop for quality, which seems to eliminate wally world.   Wally world has succeeded in the classic supply and demand model. It exist because there is a demand for its product which is cheaper prices. we as consumers can simply vote no to the madness by skipping the walmart experience.
One of the side benefits of wally world is it does seems get all the crazies off the street. (and into their store. The mall has served the same purpose by giving teenager a place to "hang out".
So the next time someone tries to beat you up on the price, reccommend that they go buy it a the local super duper store. If quality and expertise matters to you then you have to pay for it.
   I love wally world because it sets the bar so low, everybody else just looks good.



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rock on

Eric....HAHAHAHHA....I actually do this....and better yet....I usually park in the VERY last spot on the FARTHEST side of the parking lot as possible (all the extra exercise counts...I swear)!!! They love it!!! I am humored by their silent grunting as I make them push my mostly empty cart and 4 year old to the the next county!!! AHHAHAHAHAHA!!!

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Leah Tucker

Anybody see the "South Park" episode on Wal-Mart? They pretty much nailed it, and at the same time uncovered the hidden truth. Wal-Mart isn`t actually run by anyone human. It`s all a machine, much like that computer that creates the world in "The Matrix."

Unfortunately, with all the cover-ups in the world and government, it`ll still take time for the common person to be able to quickly distinguish between those business run by human beings, and those that are part of an intergalactic takeover attempt.

Yes, it`s unfortunate that Earth is at war with undefined aliens, but that`s our fault. WE elected the officials into positions of authority who won`t give out the names of those empires. And it`s precisely because there are too many stupid people who can`t understand that the top of a key doesn`t matter, only the stem of the key.

Thankfully, with free enteprise and sites like SuN, those of us in the know have a venue to spread the word. I shop at Wal-Mart, doing my part for humanity, to deplete the resources of the alien empires. By taking home my issues, I know I`m reducing their issues. At some point, and I`m doing my best to buy the entire stock in Wal-Mart, I`m hoping they`ll run out of resources, pack it in, and go home to whatever is their home planet.

At that point, we ATTACK! That`s why I always say, "Support your local NASA store! Be ready! Dyslexic people of the world Untie!"

YvetteMarie,

Just found this post and it surely made my day.  I too have stopped shopping at Wallyworld in favor of the smaller lines and more professional employees at Target (well, if you don`t count the cart collector who wears his pants around his thighs and if you catch him near the end of his shift, you get to see what color boxers he`s wearing that day).

I go to Walmart about once a month or less to load up on things like kitty litter, paper plates, and shea butter.  For now, they seem to have cornered the market on these items.  

As far as the self checkout scanners?  Well, I`ve always had bad luck with those (funny because I`ve owned stock in one of the self checker companies for 11 years).  I mostly choose not to use them because when I bought my stock, I heard from an insider that they don`t really save you time, just give you something to do, so the time appears to go by faster. 

Even though I don`t use them, I seem to have a bad vibe orbiting around me concerning them.  If I meet someone I know in the store and they are self-checking, as soon as I start talking to them, something will go wrong with their scanner or transaction.

My mother loves using the self checkers.   I think that because she too owns some self-checker stock and feels that somehow she is the expert on them and gets some pleasure out of it.  On a recent trip together to a new Home Depot, she exclaims as we walk through the store,

 "Oh, I hope they have one of those self-checkers."  

I tell her,
"Oh, mom, I have bad luck with those." 

"What?" she says proudly...afterall, she`s a stock owner, "it`s the easiest thing in the world."

"I`m telling you mom, I have bad luck with them.  I don`t even have to be the one using it.  If I`m around one, something will go wrong."

This bantering goes on as we make our way to the self-checkers.

"I know," I say proudly, "I`ll let you do the whole thing, and when you`re done, I`ll pay.  That way nothing can go wrong."

Well, as she places the last item into the bag, I run my credit card through the little slidy and CRASH, the entire credit card marchine falls off into the floor!  I stand there shocked until finally a clerk comes over and gives me a dirty look.  I say, "How am I supposed to pay now?"  Without missing a beat, she says, "For that?" pointing to the broken credit card machine.  I`ve learned my lesson once and for all.  Now I don`t even look in the direction of the self-checkers anymore!

CG

CG,

Let me get this straight. ........You swiped your card with such vigor....so fast and furious that it you blew it right off the mount!!
That`s crazy! You`re one SUPER SWIPER!

Ahem......I happen to be a "pro" at the self checkout. I love it!

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~Eric
JE Design Group, LLC
If all you do is what you`ve done, then all you`ll get is what you`ve got.
www.jedesigngroup.com

I have to agree with Eric...I LOVE the self-checker! Not only is it nice to be able to not stand in line while people who have no concept of personal space pile 10 deep around you...but I personally am a bit OCD...and well...I absolutely HATE how checkers have no concern for organization. I will place things perfectly on the conveyor so that there is no confusion as to what items I wish to be placed in bags together...and yet...for some reason I always find my loaf of bread at the bottom of the bag of potatoes! Or worse...canned goods. How about canned goods in a bag wtih glass items...just asking for broken stuff!!! The self-checkers allow me all the room I need to be completely psychotic about my bagging operations...and I ALWAYS get service with a smile! HAHAHAHAHA!!

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Leah Tucker