I wrote this a fw years ago.. I hope you enjoy it!
I just got back from WalMart and I have some issues.
Well... I had some issues well before going to Walmart.. carried em right on in the two way door, and the nice lady in the blue vest put a smiley sticker on em to show that I hadn`t gotten these particular issues there, but that I`d had them previously.
Little did I know, Id stock up on NEW but not neccessarily IMPROVED issues before I left the store...
Firstly, I upon entering the aforementioned superstore, I begin thinking about icons... pop icons... culture... where we are in our day and age... and my mind wanders well past the dogfood aisle where I stand with my cart askew, lugging a heeeyuge bag of the cheapest cardboard flavored dogfood ( or is it dogfood flavored cardboard?)... and I wonder, in 20 years from now, how will we be remembered? What will be associated with this day and age? The 70s had their discos, hippies, bad clothes and big hair. The 80s had break dancing, rubiks cubes, pacman and the likes... so I wonder.. when children study the history of this day and age, what will be the commonality of all our cultures?
I hope to GOD they don`t include Walmart.
It`s long been my motto "Ill do ANYTHING for a dollar." ( Until I got married and now I tone it down a little to "I`ll do ANYTHING to save a buck or two." Doesnt sound so... trashy. ) I`ll even endure Walmart for the savings, and I KNOW thats what theyre counting on when they send advertisements out to EVERYONE and their cousin ( who in this part of Wyoming very well could be their UNCLE or HUSBAND as well.) So whereas I may endure it.. I wont do it QUIETLY.
Here`s what I learned today. People are scary. Just plain out and out stupid. I want to know... are they scary at the Walmart in your area? Or is there an entirely TOO large a conglomeration of stupid scary people in my neighborhood? And Im not talking about the employees of Walmart, God Bless them all... Im thinking theres a special place in heaven reserved for Walmart employees who have to put UP with the kinds of people who walk through their doors.
I`m standing in the toy section with my husband... perusing the possibilities of birthday toys for our soon to be two year old. "Nope," I say as I set down a toy fishing pole and tackle set, "Can be used as a weapon." "Nope", I say as I set down a doctor set, "Can be used as a weapon." I hold the stethescope in true two year old fashion, and show my husband how it can be used as a set of rubber numchuks to scare the bejeezus out of someone, or worse yet.. put an eye out.
Casually, I make my way down the aisle, pleased with the fact that for once, Walmart is pretty unoccupied, and I can take my sweet time in finding a non weapon for my not so sweet two year old. My husband tires of my "Nope, its a weapon," diatribe, and makes his way down the aisle and over to the NERF section I assume. As I near the end of my own aisle, I hear what is unmistakably, without a doubt ( I have 3 sons, trust me on this) the sound of gas being forced violently from an orifice, and I am APALLED. Furious with my husband for his lack of decency, I storm around the end of the toy aisle, stick my head around to the offending section and belt out..
"Awww... You PIG!"
At about the same time, my husband peeks around from the aisle BEHIND me and I realise my mistake, the poor man, ( I was going to say gentleman, but NO gentelman can belt out a pants whistle like THAT one...) gingerly sets the toy back on the shelf and slowly backs away from me with a mouthed "excuse me."
My husbands laughing at me by this point, and IM mortified and angry all at the same time. Brusquely brushing past him, I continue on with my shopping.
Enter, the bimbo.
I`m standing in the paint section, waiting for the worlds SLOWEST clerk (( I swear he needs to have a "slow moving vehicle" warning on his blue vest )) to mix some paint for me, and a lady comes up to have a key made. She looks over the assorted keys available while she waits, with a frown on her otherwise NORMAL looking face... the clerk offers to wait on her while my paint is mixing and she hands him what looks to be a house key. He grabs a blank and proceeds to make the key. When he hands it back to her, she looks at HIM like HES the stupid one and says... "This isnt the key I needed." She points out that hers has a round head and his has a square head, and doesnt he realise that they`re different and that this new one obviously wont work, because its a different brand? I leave as he is trying to explain to her that it doesnt matter what the TOP of the key looks like... and she grows ever more belligerent. I walk off thinking he needed to hand her a key to the STUPID farm, so she can MOVE RIGHT IN.
It gets worse, folks.
Recently introduced to the walmart in our area, is the Do it Yourself checkout lane. I know many of you have had these around for quite some while... but Walmart, in its infinite wisdom must have based the availabilty of such technology on area IQ ratings, and ours was last on the list. Either that or they decided that the management needed to have a good laugh, and theyre secretly taping area residents trying to use them, and showing them at Walmart holiday parties nationwide.
I refuse to use the self checkout thingamabobs. I prefer the good old face to face transaction... but on this particular day, I chose a check out lane right next to the self check out kiosks. A man and a woman stand at the register, reading the directions, out loud (and very poorly, I might add.) She runs an alarm clock radio over the scanner and it beeps. Unsure of whether or not it rang up the price, she scans it again. The husband snatches the clock away from her and shows her that obviously with her lesser IQ she rang it up twice. Exasperated, she asks.. "Well NOW what do I do?"
The husband, obviously the smarter of the two (( he is! Just ASK him )) takes the clock radio and instead of scanning it from the left to the right, does it backwards.. from the right to the left, fully expecting it to take OFF the second entry. Now theyre up to THREE scans on the SAME item, and I have no choice but to just look away.
Never to complain without first looking for a solution.. I hit upon what *I* think are some grand ideas. Seems to me that the express aisles serve their purpose well. Why not have Aisles with signs on them... instead of 20 items or less... 5 teeth or more?
Or why cant the greeter also perform a secondary task of IQ assessor? Or better yet... why not have an hour before the store opens available to people who just want to get right in, do their shopping while offending as few people as they can, and get the HE double hockey sticks out before the scary people arrive in their smoking station wagons, circling the lot for hours, hunting that closest parking place, when they could have parked three counties away, gotten in, bought whatever trinkets they think they need and get out and be GONE ALREADY??
I think I`ll write the president of Walmart a friendly letter with my concerns and solutions...
Stupid people... on sale now at your local Walmart.
Going slow is for weenies!