Forums: Discussions for entrepreneurs and small business.

You have a few grammatical errors and some superfluous words in your copy, plus you use the passive voice too much.

"Treat the Temple with Love and Respect, not Toxins."

If you are holistic practitioners, then you would appreciate the Zen of avoiding negative thoughts.  "Toxins" is a negative thought and borders on insulting the reader.

"Our products only contain natural oils and botanicals, no EDTA, Coloring or artificial ingredients."

Should read: "contain only"

"Sine examples of what goes into our products are Wheatgerm Oil, Primrose Oil, Lavender, and Chamomile."

Spelling and redundant.  Combine the two lines into:
"Our products contain only natural oils and botanicals such as Wheatgerm Oil, Primrose Oil, Lavender, and Chamomile."

"Even products often claiming to be natural, or organic and meeting FDA standards, which we surpass, can contain ingredients that in the long run are harmful."

Passive voice, and if you have to chop down the competition to make your own product look better, then you don`t have an effective message.  I would simply say: "Our products surpass FDA standards for natural and organic products."


"If you are looking for truly pure products, then we deliver."
Oh really?  Do you use bicycle couriers or Pizza Delivery cars?  I know it`s not what you meant, but be careful how you say "we deliver".

The sentence is passive and unclear.  I would change it to a call-to-action: "You know that you should use our truly pure products - click here to place your first order."



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Steve Mann
Internet Videographer
MannMade Digital Video
My Email

Thank You this is very very helpful and appreciated.

Katherine,
Sorry for the delay in responding.
Here are some sites I found in my research - some may want a fee, but there are some here that don`t.  (Sorry - I didn`t make notes beside the sites that did not fund brick & mortar retail, since that is what I will be needing...but every site I went to mentioned internet and technical assistance grants, you should find something!).

go to your state`s gov. web site as well.

federalgrantsnetwork.com
grantfundingnetwork.com
womensbusinessgrants.com
ideacafe.com (july 19 deadline)
sitesplus.com
grants.gov

Good Luck!

Thank You.