Forums: Discussions for entrepreneurs and small business.

You`ve given me some great feedback, so I wanted your input on this, but anyone else`s input is also welcome!

I posted my site last week thinking that I had a great site and wanted some minor critique on it. The response I actually received was surprising and an eye opener. My copy was way too long, way too goofy, and didn`t cover the points it should have.

My site is: http://www.studentsuds.com

I decided to revamp the copy on my homepage and make it more effective. I will edit the other pages too, but this one is the most important, so I`m addressing it first. I took out a good portion of the jokes and put 3 very short paragraphs aka sentences to lead into the bullet points. Below is the edited version I have come up with. I wanted your guys feedback before I dish out the money to have my web developers make the changes.



Improve your life with Student Suds

Being a student is a blast: living on your own, making new friends, going to parties, and doing your own laundry.

Yes, that`s the L word. We know, it`s a bit taboo. You don`t talk about it in polite society, and you certainly don`t want to do it.

That`s why we`ll do it for you. So you can get out of the laundry room and onto more productive stuff. Like studying, clubs, sports, and hog-wrestling.

• Sign up for one of our laundry plans and each week we will collect, wash, dry and fold your laundry, then deliver it back to you in a 48-hour turnaround.

• We provide free pick up and delivery, so you`ll never even have to leave your dorm.

• Our plans cover either one semester or the entire year. And because we pick up your laundry every week, you’ll never be without clean clothes!

• Signing up is easy! Just click here, choose your desired plan, and enjoy your free time knowing that your clothes are being professionally cared for.

I think it sounds great! It`s not a suggestion just a comment... I would try playing on the memory of how nice it was to depend on Mom for providing clean cloths through childhood. It would be great if Mom was still doing it. Now it`s Student Suds to the rescue! 

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Vincent Wilcox (a.k.a. KRAKR)
Drummer
My band: Letters Make Words

Your call to action..."sign up is easy" is fine... but if you change the link from "click here" "to choose a laundry plan" you may get some better search engine results... not many people search fro "click here".

 

~Roland

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Web Design | Best Beef Jerky | ecommerce articles | Follow vwebworld on Twitter

much improved copy!

FYI, you might want to setup a reminder system that text messages them. College kids tend to completely forget about washing clothes. LOL

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He who gets greedy like a pig, gets slaughtered like a hog!

I don`t get the hog-wrestling joke.  Do college students hog wrestle?

Maybe it`s some sort of crazy frat thing.  It sounds like hick humor, not college humor.  (I went to an art school so I admit to being out of the normal university experience loop.)  I tend to think if you`re going to end that sentence with a joke, make it something that most college students actually do.

The hog-wrestling reference is just a joke. Like, I list a bunch of normal things and then something that obviously no one does. I guess I could make the sarcasm more obvious?

Why not change it to "mud wrestling," to widen the context?

Jeez...how I ended up as a Title to a topic is beyond me! LOL!! Thankfully, lots of other folks have plenty to say.

I still don`t get a thrill from the "taboo" reference. If you`re going to highlight the "L" word, put it in quotes.

I also really like Vince`s thought about producing a sentimental connection to having mom do the laundry. How, would be a job for a writer, but it`s a great thought.

As with the original post, the other comments here all focus on the same things:

• Easy customer action items
• Emotional connection to the product

Here`s another suggestion. Print out what you`ve written on paper. Then find someone in your life, not too closely related, who`s over 40 years old. Have them read it. Then ask them what they think.

Todd, that`s genius!!

The one single thing in a teenager`s mind is Self. They`re totally self-absorbed (I know, I`m generalizing, but so what?).

As such, they simply don`t think about laundry! Never occurs to them that it happens on a regular basis. At home, *magic* took care of it all...meals, laundry, shopping, schedules, etc.

When you sign up for a laundry plan, you get some sort of email notice, perhaps coming together more frequently as the time of pickup approaches imminence?

Craig, what do you think about wording it this way? I replaced the word "taboo". Hopefully this has a different connotation.

Being a student is a blast: living on your own, making new friends, going to parties, and doing your own laundry.

Yes, that`s the “L” word. We know, it`s a dreadful task. You don`t talk about it in polite society, and you certainly don`t want to do it.

Ah...much better. However, NOW you can enter into the humor side:
What about having some "Laundry Rules?"

• If you smell your shirt and can`t really decide if you can get another day out of it, call us!
• If you use a towel to dry yourself off after you just got clean, how come it needs to be cleaned? Call us!
• .........any other good ideas? :-) Maybe the ladies in the community have some additional rules....