Forums: Discussions for entrepreneurs and small business.

Ok, so I joined my local chamber of commerce about 3 months ago.  They offer the opportunity to do a 30 second commercial at all the networking events.  Well, I`m going to do our first one on December 11th at a pretty large event.  Well, here it is in it`s rawest and roughest form.  I`m looking for critiques, reviews, re-writes, whatever.... 

 

"Good Evening.  Thank you all for coming out.  We are The IT Support Department.  The IT Support Department is not just another computer repair company; we are a solution provider, specializing in supporting and managing home, small to medium business, and non-profit organization computer systems and networks virtually and on site.  We offer a full range of IT services customized to your needs at an affordable price.  We can be your very own IT department or supplement your already existing IT staff.

Our professionals have more than 25 years of experience on various windows platforms.  Our Motto is simple:  Integrity.  Our goal is to provide cost effective IT management and support services while increasing your bottom line."

"Good Evening.  Thank you all for coming out. Our business is called "The IT Support Department," and we specialize in computer technology. We support and manage home and small-business computer systems, networks, and everything involved with them. We work with either remote connections or we can come right to your location---your home or business.

We offer a full range of technology services, whatever you need, at an affordable price. If you already have someone for this, we can be their backup, and help with advice and solutions when you run into more complex problems.
 
We have more than 25 years of experience, and our motto is simple. In fact, it`s only 1 word: "Integrity." Our goal is to provide the kind of technical management and support services that big corporations have, but at prices small business owners can afford.